Artemis Fowl: The Return of the Kin
by The Violist
Summary: The long awaited sequel to the Cousin's Conspiracy. When the cousins take a summer vacation to Ireland, they find that the People's direst enemy is loose, and that the elves of the ages must unite, including Middle-Earth's... After EC.
1. Chapter One: Suspicion

To those of you who are reading this WITHOUT reading The Cousin's Conspiracy first, you are committing one of the seven sins. GO BACK AND READ!  
  
*  
  
Artemis Fowl: The Return of the Kin  
  
By Tessa And Jennie  
  
Chapter One: Suspicion  
  
It was an oddly cold morning, considering that it was July. Rain drizzled outside, not even a proper thunderstorm, and even inside, there was a very wet and dreary feel to the air.  
  
Over the sodden streets of Denver fell the shadow of the gray clouds. One would hardly guess that it was midday, for only a quarter of the usual amount of cars cluttered the interstate and highways. The few people on lunch break sped busily to random bagel shops. Most, however, had the better fortune to be inside.  
  
And some did not.  
  
Tessa and Jennie knew this and resented it. They were one of the few outside, only the girls had no choice in the matter, for on that particular morning Jennie's mother had woken and decided to carpet clean.  
  
Despite the weather.  
  
"I swear Auntie Leah plans this," grumbled Tessa as the cousins huddled in the far corner of the porch, trying to avoid chilly gusts of wind. "On the one July morning that feels like November, she has to go and lock us outside. Remind me again why Ally gets to stay in the kitchen and WE have to stay out here?"  
  
"Tessa, do you remember what happened the last time we were barricaded in the kitchen?"  
  
"We ate a whole meringue pie," recalled the teenager. "But. . ."  
  
"I know. THIS is child abuse."  
  
"No it's not," Tessa sighed. "It's merely more demonic, vengeful plots constructed by our conniving mothers. It's not child abuse until they lock us out here without coats."  
  
Jennie shivered and drew her fleece tighter about her. "Damn carpet cleaning anyway."  
  
"I strongly agree."  
  
"Can this day get any worse, Tessa?"  
  
Tessa reviewed the day. "Beginning at eight in the morning, your mother has been cleaning carpets and covering the floor with towels under the premonition that she is helping us in some strange and objectionable way. Since the only places on this lot without carpet are a) the bathroom b) the kitchen and c) outside, we were sent outside to freeze, each with a book, and since then we have both finished our books AND read each other's."  
  
"You didn't answer the question."  
  
"Yes, I think the day could get worse."  
  
Jennie gaped. "How?"  
  
"It's midday, and I'm starving, and if our parents forget to bring something out here - or let us in to get something to eat - I will be very enraged." Tessa inspected her nails.  
  
Her cousin thought about this. The only thing she found to say was, "Damn carpet cleaning."  
  
"You've said that about fifty times in the past four hours," Tessa informed her patiently. "It's getting sort of old."  
  
"What do you want me to say? Damn my mother's evil schemes?"  
  
"You've been saying that too."  
  
Jennie chewed on that for a while and came up with, "Damn the lock on the back door that has been mysteriously fixed to prevent us from getting inside to the kitchen."  
  
A gust of wind rattled the leaves in the apple tree. Both cousins shivered.  
  
"The lock hates us," Tessa agreed.  
  
"My mother hates us."  
  
"Even the blasted weather hates us."  
  
"No, Tessa, weather can't hate. The weather is strongly prejudiced against us."  
  
There was no doubt about it; the cousins were bored. Not the best thing for them to be. When THE cousins were bored. . . bad things happened. ((A/N: Jennie, remember the Mesa Verde Elijah Wood tour guide? LOL! I swear, that dude could have been passed off as like a twin. To everyone else: we were bored, okay? And like I said. . . bad things happened. *cough cough*))  
  
It was Tessa who brought up what they were both thinking about.  
  
"I wonder what Artemis Fowl is doing," she mused.  
  
Jennie, who was exceptionally grumpy, hungry, chilled, and wet, turned on her. "Would you quit bringing it up? We're never going back." She was referring, of course, to last month's adventure with criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl. Tessa had accidentally transported them to Middle-Earth, where she had met her crush Frodo Baggins and Jennie had destroyed the One Ring.  
  
Tessa fingered the vial of Halfling blood that hung from a chain about her neck. There was a steely glint in her eye. "We might."  
  
The other lapsed into a wistful silence. Might. Those blessed twelve hours of Tolkien! What she would give to feel the weight of Legolas's bow on her shoulder again, or to be stranded in the icy plains of Rohan during the winter.  
  
Tessa could see the yearning glint in her cousin's eyes. She smiled sadly. Their adventure haunted them both. Even the weekly letters they received from Artemis could not dull the sharp yearning in both of them, for the majestic realm where Hobbits were real. . .  
  
A noise brought them back to the real world. Or rather, the absence of a noise. Leah's accursed carpet cleaning had halted.  
  
Jennie felt the handle of the door. It was still locked.  
  
"DAMMIT!" she said, very flushed. "What is my mother DOING to us?"  
  
Tessa, from where she was beginning to reread her book, looked up briefly. "Chinese water torture. Slow, infuriating, and wet." She gestured at the rain pouring down around them. "This is a bit of an alternative method, but it still fits the three requirements."  
  
The other was listening at the door. "Um. Tess?"  
  
With a resigned sigh, Tessa put her book aside. "Now what?"  
  
"I don't know if it's an illusion or something to do with the wood-" Jennie rapped it softly with her knuckles "-but I can hear them talking."  
  
"They're probably discussing the wonders of the Swiffer."  
  
"No, actually." She listened a moment, and her eyes went up. "I heard the word 'Ireland', Tessa!"  
  
Her cousin scrambled over. "Budge up a little," she ordered.  
  
The cousins fought for space before they overheard "Ireland" again.  
  
"That's where Artemis lives," Tessa hissed.  
  
"Shh!"  
  
Now they could hear Kristin, Tessa's mom, loud and clear. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Leah. Fran would never want to."  
  
Jennie noticed that the door wasn't latched completely. Giving it her full weight, she moved it inwards a crack, until the back door was partly open. Feeling stupid for not thinking of it before, she motioned Tessa forward. They leaned into the room.  
  
What they heard made their eyes open in astonishment.  
  
The subject under discussion was not carpet cleaning.  
  
*  
  
A continent away, Artemis and Butler were patrolling the disabled armory room in Fowl Manor together, deep in discussion about the properties of weapons.  
  
"One third iron? Wasn't it completely-"  
  
"No, there was a measure of bronze in the old style, I'm sure-"  
  
Artemis stopped talking as a distant clock chimed. He allowed himself a tiny smile. "Butler, I hate to cut this conversation short, but I have business to attend to."  
  
"What business, sir? You aren't conducting an exploit without my supervision."  
  
"Not an exploit, Butler. An experiment."  
  
The manservant watched as his charge hurried away. Strange, that the Master should no longer trust him. Or was it merely a lack of dependence?  
  
Troubled, he turned away.  
  
Artemis half-ran down the hall to his bedroom, where his laptop waited. Flicking it open, he began to type madly. Foaly had contacted the mastermind a day before, telling him to meet an appointment at the hour of twelve. ((A/N: Yes I know it wouldn't be the same time in Ireland as it is in America, but I don't know what time it WOULD be, so bear with me.))  
  
Wondering briefly why the People wanted to get in touch with him, Artemis sent the instant messenger. ~What do you want, Foaly?~  
  
The answer came back fairly quickly. ~I'll make it short, Mud Boy.~  
  
The mastermind steepled his fingers and waited. After a long pause, he typed again. ~The People usually don't trouble me. Is everything all right?~  
  
Something else occurred to him. ~The cousins haven't done anything unfortunate, have they?!~  
  
~Cousins, cousins, that's all we ever get out of you these days, Fowl.~  
  
Artemis scowled. ~They mean a lot to me.~  
  
~Fowl the Unfeeling, caring for someone?~ The response was incredulous. ~You've changed a LOT.~  
  
~Yes, well. What do you want?!~  
  
~Let me guess. You want to get back to writing to your sweethearts.~  
  
~FOALY!~  
  
~Did I offend the Mud Man? Oh dear. Bad me. Remind me to keep my mouth shut about your intense love life.~  
  
~It's not love!~  
  
There was no response from Foaly at this. Artemis sighed and typed. ~Really!~  
  
~You were in Middle-Earth for twelve hours. Romance is the only explanation that yours truly can conceive.~  
  
~It was a long twelve hours, okay?~  
  
~I won't look into it.~  
  
The mastermind was beginning to hate all centaurs whether they deserved it or not. Most probably did. ~Would you just tell me what you want? I was talking to Butler.~  
  
~Asking for tips on how to catch female eyes, no doubt.~  
  
~You really like to antagonize me, don't you?~  
  
~Maybe. You weren't as satisfying to bother as Julius, however, until about five minutes ago.~  
  
~Why did you bother me if you're just going to sit there and mock me?~ Artemis typed furiously.  
  
~Fine. I MIGHT get around to explaining if you didn't overreact to my jokes.~  
  
~Ha. Ha. Now will you tell me?~  
  
Odd. He could just SEE the centaur heaving a long-suffering sigh.  
  
~Very well, Fowl. Do you remember Opal Kaboi?~  
  
~No, I do not remember the pixie who almost had me killed, Foaly.~  
  
~I see I am not the only one gifted in sarcasm.~  
  
~FOALY!~  
  
~Well, we had her thrown into Howler's Peak after the incident.~  
  
~And?~ Artemis prodded after a moment.  
  
~She no longer occupies that residence.~  
  
Artemis stared at the instant message. Read it. Reread it. Tried to comprehend it.  
  
~You let her escape. The most deranged pixie in the history of the People and she is running freely once again.~  
  
~We didn't mean to!~ Foaly typed.  
  
~What you meant to. . . oh, never mind. Though it passes my understanding how a criminal can be evading the LEP and yet their controls centaur has the time to insult their lone ally.~  
  
~Point taken. I apologize.~  
  
~What do you want me to do?!~  
  
~Keep your eyes open, Fowl. Kaboi is vindictive. She'll hurt you badly if you don't watch out. We are all in danger now.~  
  
Their connection snapped. Artemis found himself staring at his normal desktop.  
  
"That can't be good," he said aloud.  
  
How very right he was. Miles below the surface of the earth, in Howler's Peak, a mysteriously drugged guard snored like a drunk goblin. There was no sign of where his former captive, Kaboi, had gone. For all he knew, the shielded pixie could be two steps away, ready to cut his throat. But that was not her priority. She was not going to strike down common guards; no, this time she was going for the power of Haven, and this time, she would not fail.  
  
It was not good at all.  
  
*  
  
Coooeee! It's a lawng one! Seven pages. . . yikes. 


	2. Chapter Two: Discussions

Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up (when I die, I'm going to find the soul that invented school and kill him again in the most inhumane way possible). THANK YOU ALL REVIEWERS! YOU MAKE MY DAY! (eats a chocolate chip cookie) And thank you for the cookies. Mmmm, good!  
  
BTW: severe gore in this chapter! You have been warned. (shakes head) Too much LotR. I'm become immune.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Two: Discussions  
  
Jennie leaned further into the kitchen, striving to hear the faint words her mother was mumbling. Her eyes were wide with hope. Both cousins had heard the phrase "Ireland cruise" and were almost mad with anticipation.  
  
"It can't be true," Tessa hissed. "We would KNOW if we were going to Ireland for our summer vacation."  
  
"Would we?" Jennie pointed out. "Until five seconds ago, we were both locked outside, while our mother 'cleaned carpets.' Though this doesn't sound like carpet cleaning."  
  
"No really. Unless your mother secretly opened a carpet cleaning business in Ireland. . ."  
  
"Tessa, shut up, I'm trying to hear the conversation."  
  
Inside the kitchen, Kristin munched a cookie as she talked. "There would be no free passports for Tessa and I as we receive when we go to Florida every fall, Leah. That would upper the price a lot."  
  
"But this year we told the girls we would take them to Disneyworld when we went to Florida, and you got that phone call yesterday about the extensive remodeling. We can't go now. And I've heard the girls talking about Ireland a lot lately. It would be a good alternative for a summer vacation."  
  
"No KIDDING," Tessa whispered to Jennie. "Artemis Fowl instead of walking around looking at cartoon mice? I am SO in!"  
  
"Tessa. . ." he cousin warned, though she privately agreed.  
  
Leah began her cleaning again. Obviously the conversation had ended while the cousins had been talking; they had missed the verdict! Furious, Jennie turned on Tessa, closing the door as she readied herself to tell the other off.  
  
"Why did you have to talk at that exact critical moment?!"  
  
"I was just-"  
  
"My God, Tessa, sometimes I could-"  
  
"But Jennie, they-"  
  
"I mean, every single time, it's always YOU who-"  
  
"Jennie, they'll te-"  
  
"Don't give me that, you know it's true-"  
  
"JENNIE!"  
  
Her cousin shut up mid-sentence. "What?"  
  
"They'll tell us if we're going to Ireland."  
  
There was silence for a minute. Jennie scowled. "Still-"  
  
Almost on cue, the back door swung open. The cousins whirled simultaneously, huge smiles lighting up their faces, as Kristin stepped out onto the back porch. "Girls?"  
  
They waited blissfully for the words. Any moment now she would tell them that they were going to-  
  
"Yes?" Jennie asked finally.  
  
"Lunchtime."  
  
*  
  
"I can't BELIEVE they won't tell us if we're going to Ireland or not," Jennie grumbled minutes later, barely indistinguishable through a mouthful of pickle. Beneath them were spread pink and orange towels, to prevent their feet from sullying the newly cleaned floor. It rather felt as though they were both contagiously sick. "Can you BELIEVE them, Tessa?"  
  
The other helped herself to a chocolate chip cookie. "Yeah?" she said, not listening.  
  
Jennie was about to tell her off when something caught her eye. As she stretched across the table, Tessa's vial swung into view, a cylinder of glowing crimson blood suspended from a silver chain.  
  
The complaint died in her throat. Jennie ponderously ate another pickle as she watched the blood swing.  
  
"Tessa?"  
  
"Yeah?" Tessa repeated, taking a bite of her cookie.  
  
"I miss him."  
  
"I know." The cookie was disappearing rapidly despite Tessa's tragic face. "It really sucks, doesn't it? And I can't BELIEVE they won't tell us if we're going to Ireland or not."  
  
Jennie dryly pointed out that she had said exactly that a few moments before.  
  
Tessa responded with a few colorful adjectives.  
  
Jennie voiced a vicious verb and two ear-splitting nouns.  
  
Grinning smugly, Tessa murmured a certain pronoun coupled with two random cusses with a good deal of scorn thrown in.  
  
Her cousin's ears rang with the pain, but she fought back anyway.  
  
And the matter of vacation was forgotten. . .  
  
*  
  
Deep underground, Holly Short stalked towards the Operations Booth with a barely concealed threat in her stiff posture. Eyes narrowed, she strode convincingly past a group of pixies (as convincingly as a three-foot-high elf can stride, anyway), and marched vindictively through the open doors.  
  
Foaly knew aggressive elves when he saw them - it was the working with Julius that had done it - and Holly did not look happy. Pasting on his blandest, most innocent smile, everyone's favorite centaur stood to greet her. "Holly, hello, I haven't seen you in ages-"  
  
"No crap today, pony," the captain snarled. "Instead you can explain how OPAL KABOI got past your security."  
  
"Did she?"  
  
"Dammit, Foaly!" The captain then proceeded to verbalize a few phrases that would have rivaled any of the cousins'. When she had composed herself, she continued: "The most deranged enemy of the people is loose and you have the nerve to play up your normal jokes."  
  
"You sound exactly like Artemis Fowl did when I contacted him," Foaly informed her.  
  
"Artemis Fowl was right!"  
  
"Artemis Fowl used to be the most deranged enemy of the people."  
  
"That was three years ago, you gutless, mewling little grudge holder. . ."  
  
Foaly lifted his eyebrows. "I thought you would never forgive him for what he put you through."  
  
"I haven't. But I've swallowed most of my pride; he's helped us since. And. . . it's been a long three years."  
  
The centaur turned and trotted over to a plasma screen. "Back to Opal Kaboi- "  
  
"FOALY! You have a lead and you haven't contacted Root?" Incredulous, the captain followed. "He's a commander!"  
  
"He's not as composed as you are." Foaly took one look at her slowly darkening face and blanched. "Scratch that. You'd better be careful; you'll end up as Shouting Tomato Number Two."  
  
Holly's eyes narrowed. Again, Foaly blanched. "Sometimes you remind me of him so much, it's not even funny."  
  
"Foalyyyyyyyyyyy. . ."  
  
"I'm going, I'm going." Foaly flicked the power switch, turning on the screen. "This is live feed from the mole cameras in Howler's Peak-"  
  
Holly immediately turned and began walking away. "I'm not watching this without Commander Root."  
  
The centaur snarled in exasperation and grabbed her shoulders. "Listen to me. Commander Root is out with the Retrieval One, chasing down a troll. Our first since yours, he wanted to monitor the procedure himself. He doesn't KNOW that Opal is gone."  
  
"We should still wait!"  
  
"We should, but if we do, Opal might get even farther away from us. You're the commander now, Holly. We CAN'T WAIT!" he snapped, seeing her indecision. "Lives depend on someone acting fast after a crisis!"  
  
She wavered.  
  
Foaly sighed, irritated. "Fine. Don't listen to me. But when you go, remember that Kaboi's defeat two years ago was due to Artemis Fowl. Don't you think that he'll be the first she wants revenge from?"  
  
That struck home. The captain sat down in an office chair. "Hurry up. This had better be good. And if Root takes my badge and throws me on drain duty because I took his position, nothing is going to save your little horsey ass."  
  
Foaly ignored the profanity and pressed play. "Watch closely-"  
  
Holly's eyes slitted at the order. She knew what to do! After all, she was a captain.  
  
As she examined the screen, two things became obvious extremely clearly. It was very, very dark. In Howler's Peak, things were never this dark. There were always Foaly-designed lights hanging bulbously from the ceiling, or the occasional goblin-generated fireball. But the screen portrayed it as almost completely pitch black.  
  
The camera angled itself. Sweating, Holly recognized the area with a sharp, frightened jolt; it was the higher, northern, abandoned wing of Howler's Peak.  
  
"The Arctic pinnacle," she whispered.  
  
Smiling grimly, Foaly motioned her to be quiet. "Here comes the good part."  
  
An Arctic guard came down the ramp, shivering, as he fumbled with two bronze keys. Quickly glancing around to make sure nobody was around, he put one to the lock.  
  
Holly gasped. She could barely make out the features, but if it was who she thought it was. . .  
  
"Cudgeon's DEAD," she whispered.  
  
The centaur snickered. "Yes, he is. That's his only living relative, his nephew Kuro Trucehart. Who, may I add, should be with his Retrieval team right now. NOT serving Arctic duty."  
  
It was Holly's turn to blanch. "You mean. . ."  
  
"I know what I see, sweetheart."  
  
On the screen, Kuro was still fumbling with the key. He swore loudly and applied the other one. When it turned in the lock, he turned and called to a couple of apprentices who were standing up the ramp. They came forward, carrying a tray of standard prisoner dinner.  
  
"He picked the greenest, youngest apprentices on the list," Foaly's voice said in Holly's ear. "They didn't know that the door should NEVER be unlocked, and that there is a flap on every door - a one way revolver - that the food should be inserted on."  
  
The captain was still in shock. "Did Kuro know?"  
  
"Yes. He did. And didn't care, I might add."  
  
Breathless, Holly watched Kuro fire up his buzz baton.  
  
"Obviously he knew about the vindictive pixie nature and didn't want to be the first blasted."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
As they watched, a vague shape barreled out of the dungeon. The captain had a brief glimpse of insane, vicious eyes glittering in rimmed sockets before Opal Kaboi - for it was she - struck Kuro head on.  
  
He screamed and thrust her away with his free hand, notching his buzz baton to a higher level. Muttering something that the two observers couldn't hear, he drew a palm dagger, obviously warning Kaboi.  
  
The maddened pixie shrieked and looked around for something else to vent her rage on. While Holly was shivering, she could understand the other female's vindictiveness; three years of imprisonment in the Arctic pinnacle could destroy any sane mind. Opal Kaboi was insane, and free. It couldn't get much worse.  
  
Foaly read her expression and smiled grimly. "Can't it? Watch."  
  
The pixie had seen the two apprentices. Almost eagerly, she sprinted down the prison hall to where they were making good their escape. Stricken, Holly watched as she snapped their necks with fingers strengthened by pure rage. One's head she smashed against the wall, cackling at the sound of splintering bone; blood poured in red rivers from his grossly mutilated skull.  
  
The other was only paralyzed from the neck down. Opal noticed and bared her teeth in a malicious grin. Bending over, she relieved him of his Starblink 400 gun, tilted his head up with her foot, and let him have it through the eyes.  
  
Holly retched as blood spattered the camera. "Tell me that this is special effects, Foaly."  
  
"Not a chance," Foaly whispered, draping an arm about her shoulders as she convulsed with disgust and shock.  
  
Onscreen, Kuro was beginning to realize that the prisoner he had loosed was insane. As she whirled and approached him again, bloodied nails outstretched as though groping for something to rip, he shouted a warning and hurled his buzz baton at her. Opal jumped neatly aside, snatched the handle seconds after it clattered to the floor, and paused, as though considering something.  
  
Kuro Trucehart threw the palm dagger.  
  
It hit the baton with deadly accuracy. Opal Kaboi screamed with rage and dropped it a second before the charged electric particles exploded. Smoke filled the air, stifling, black as pitch. When it cleared, Holly blanched yet again as the dead bodies of apprentices were revealed to being eaten by flame.  
  
Of Kaboi and Kuro, there was no trace. A shimmer further down the corridor hinted at a shield before the spent camera blacked, its durance spent.  
  
The captain rubbed her eyes, thoroughly scared by what she had seen. "I don't understand. If Kaboi and Kuro were allies. . ."  
  
"Don't come crying to me, sweetheart," Foaly said, his eyes hooded and wary, "I don't understand either."  
  
*  
  
Well, I warned you. 


	3. Chapter Three: Startling News

Woah, I've had writer's block for like two weeks on this thing! Unusual. One of my friends says that the cure for writer's block is to eat an Atomic Bomb Jawbreaker. I don't trust him.  
  
Unfortunately, my block breakthrough came at 7:30 AM right as I walked into my first class. I was frantic! It was another twelve hours (owing to a high school play and my evil orchestra) before I could sit down and let it out. So, here you go - five pages! Cooeee!  
  
To all you other writers- the Chamber of Secrets soundtrack is VERY inspiring. To heck with Atomic Bombs.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Three: Startling News  
  
Far away, in fact on another world, Galadriel, Lady of Light, was on the floor.  
  
Her fingers scrabbled across the tiles; she used them as eyes at this dark hour. Feeling rather than seeing, she made her way across her chamber tiles. The unthinkable had happened.  
  
Finger pads spread like searchlights, she fumbled under a wardrobe, to be met by nothing. Muttering a curse, she sat up, blue eyes despairing.  
  
A thought came to her. Crawling back the way she had come, palms still probing the shadows, she entered her bath chamber. Her fingers slid under a stool.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Galadriel heaved a sigh of relief. A slim silver band, studded with a radiant jewel, glittered in her hands as she sat back. Elvish face calm and serene, the lady slipped the ring onto her finger.  
  
"Looking for something?"  
  
The grave, low voice of a male broke into her thoughts. Looking up, Galadriel saw Elrond at the threshold of the room.  
  
"I was." She extended a pale hand. One of the three Elven Rings of Power glittered dully, as though wearied by the ownership of an elf.  
  
Her son-in-law smiled bitterly. "You too, then?"  
  
"What?" Her blue eyes shone in alarm. "You misplaced a ring of power as well?"  
  
His tone was stern. "Two suns ago."  
  
"Elrond," she whispered, "what does this mean?"  
  
"You know what it means. Did you expect any different? Now that we have sailed to the Undying Lands, we no longer need the strength of the Rings. They are ready for new owners. Somewhere, a race of Elves needs them."  
  
Galadriel studied her hand. "How will we find them?"  
  
Elrond walked over to where she sat, looking down at her. "Elwing," he said, more to himself than to her, "was my mother."  
  
"This I know."  
  
"She traveled much with my father."  
  
The Lady of Light tried not to show her irritation at the other's tendency for slow wording.  
  
"But never did she travel to other worlds."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
The elf grinned at his bewildered mother-in-law. "On the voyage here, Gandalf told me much of four strangers whom he encountered during the War of the Ring. Frodo and Sam owe him their lives. They went into the land of Mordor alone for the sole purpose of aiding them." His hands went to the twined strands of brown hair that hung on either side of his head.  
  
"Really." Galadriel was impressed.  
  
"They were from another world."  
  
"A- another world."  
  
"Yes. Apparently, one of our kin- an elf- accidentally transported them here."  
  
The Lady of Light's eyes grew wider still. "One of us? Where could they have gotten such power? On accident? Are you sure?"  
  
Under the pelt of questions, Elrond remained silent.  
  
"On accident," Galadriel murmured. The ring on her finger shone brightly. "I wonder why I didn't see it in my mirror before we sailed." She examined the pulsing light that streamed suddenly from her hand. "Do you think that they're the ones in need?"  
  
Elrond nodded.  
  
"Do they have a tie to this world, then?"  
  
"Frodo bled on one of the females when his finger was severed."  
  
There was silence. The blood bond was the strongest tie possible; both of them knew that.  
  
"How will we find them?" she asked again.  
  
Elrond studied her. "I think, my dear, that they will find us."  
  
*  
  
Jennie checked her watch, grimaced, and leaned back on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Beside her, Tessa reread the Return of the King, making little marks at the parts they had been present at.  
  
"The House of Healing, the Black Gate. . ." With a sigh, she set it aside, and fumbled at her throat.  
  
Her cousin watched as she drew forth the vial. Raptly, both girls stared at it, remembering. The wistfulness on their faces would have made the watchers cringe, but they couldn't help it; eight drops of halfling blood were all they had from an age that they yearned for with a passion. ((A/N: *smiles innocently*))  
  
Jennie came out of the reverie first, shaking her head. "We have a tendency to be confined to our rooms on a weekly basis, don't we, Tessa?"  
  
Putting away the small bottle, the other nodded. "Though the look on my mom's face when she came in the kitchen to find us cursing was priceless."  
  
" 'For everything else, there's Mastercard,'" Jennie mimicked. They laughed.  
  
"Yeah. . ."  
  
"Tess. . . do you remember the time when the new neighbors had a party for their new neighbors. . ."  
  
The girl began laughing hysterically. "Do I!"  
  
Jennie continued her recollection, gazing out the window. "And my mom said we could go, as long as we didn't scare their five-year-old Andy and minded our manners. So we went, and there was all that great food-"  
  
"And that humongo cake!" the other teenager put in excitedly. "And we were just starting on pieces of it, when Andy came by-"  
  
They were both choking with laughter as Jen took up the tale. "He sat down next to us and was telling us how awesome Toy Story III was and how it was the greatest movie ever-"  
  
Tessa giggled madly. "We got that evil look in our eye and turned on him-"  
  
"You said, 'do you want to know what GOOD movies are?' and we reached in our pockets-"  
  
"-pooled all the Lord of the Rings stuff we had on the table-"  
  
"-little wretch started crying when he saw the Orcs-"  
  
"You forgot the bit about the Ringwraiths! When we told him they were wraiths who ate souls and mimicked the screams-"  
  
Jennie was laughing so hard she was bent over. "And he was blubbering with fright and tore off across their backyard-"  
  
"Your mom came stomping over-"  
  
"-bawled us out-"  
  
"-smacked our heads-"  
  
"-made us apologize on bended knee to Andy's mom-"  
  
"-kid was howling, people were starting to stare-"  
  
Jen gasped for breath. "But you just hollered 'Frodo Lives' and ran for the cake again!"  
  
"Mom came after us and yelled some more, and sent us home-"  
  
Holding up a hand, Jen finished the story. "We were so mad that we hadn't gotten any cake, we went into your room, opened the windows, and blasted the Return of the King soundtrack until dark, and the guests were leaving."  
  
Wiping away tears, Tessa pondered, "Weren't we grounded for two weeks that time?"  
  
"Yeah. . ."  
  
They were quiet for a few minutes. Outside the bedroom door, the sound of furious carpet cleaning resumed. Snickering, Jennie looked back at her cousin. "I think my mom was eavesdropping."  
  
"A little late for trimming the herbs, don't you think?"  
  
"I agree." Going to the door, she opened it and looked outside. "Mom? Can we come out now?"  
  
"Now listen, miss-"  
  
Jennie shut the door and looked at Tessa. "Nope."  
  
Leah pushed the door open and glowered at them. "Jennifer, if you don't treat your mother with respect, we won't go to Ireland after all."  
  
Her daughter and niece stared at her, open-mouthed, and then broke into squeals and began dancing around the room. "We're going to Ireland! We're going to Ireland! We're going to Ireland!"  
  
The older woman backed out of the room and closed the door softly. "That was meant to be a surprise," she mumbled.  
  
*  
  
Dear Artemis,  
  
For some strange, exotic, and wonderful reason,  
  
WE'RE COMING TO IRELAND!  
  
And you can show us Fowl Manor and the Lia Fail and Butler and stuff!  
  
We were locked outside and (several scratched-out words that look oddly like "cruelly abused" and "harshly beaten") we were listening at the door and we pushed it in, and Kristin was saying something about "Ireland cruise", and then later we found out we really are going to Ireland!  
  
Because, see, our parents WERE going to take us to Disneyland even though we're WAY to old for that sort of thing, and now Kristin's clinic is being remodeled and she can't go on that date, and they wanted to make up for it, and just a month ago you bluffed your parents were in Ireland, remember? And we think they might have remembered that, or maybe it's just Leah's mind wipe.  
  
But we're going to Ireland! We'll see you in a week!  
  
Other than that, nothing's new except for on Sandra's street, this teenage dude's family moved in and he has curly black hair and blue eyes (several scratched-out words that look oddly like "and Tessa has to be tied up whenever we go over to keep her hands off him.").  
  
Hugs,  
  
The cousins.  
  
*  
  
Artemis Fowl read the letter in a mixture of joy, laughter, pain, and stark terror. He had hoped to see the cousins again after their exploit, but so soon? Would he be caught up in another frightening experiment with time and space?  
  
Barricading himself in the bathroom, he reread the words solemnly. If the cousins were coming, then he would be ready.  
  
*  
  
Butler found himself summoned to the mastermind's office. "Yes, sir?" the manservant asked, keeping a wary eye on the door. Since the boy's return a month ago, they had both developed a sort of coordinated independence, and rarely plotted together.  
  
Today, however, Artemis looked drawn and pale. "Sit down, please."  
  
Butler sat.  
  
"When I was in America," the teenager began, "I met with two females my age. . ."  
  
His bodyguard's eyebrows rose.  
  
"No! Why does everybody think that?" Artemis snarled bitterly, remembering Foaly. "It's nothing like that. We are just friends. And, they're coming to Ireland. If they pay us a visit, I want you to treat them with complete respect."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Their names are Tessa and Jennie."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
The mastermind hid a smile. "They are slightly obsessive with a certain movie epic called the Lord of the Rings."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
Artemis stood, leaving the bewildered Butler to sit in his office. "Oh, and Butler?"  
  
His manservant raised his brows again.  
  
"They are cousins. Remember that..."  
  
*  
  
Aren't you proud of me? I did it without breaking anything! Review! 


	4. Chapter Four: Preparation

Eep! Im supposed to be doing hmwk.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Four: Preparation  
  
One Week Later:  
  
Jennie bounced on her suitcase, face dark. "Tessaaaaa. . ."  
  
"Whaaaat?" her cousin mocked, piling her copies of Lost Tales of Middle Earth into a bookbag. "Hand me the Silmarillion, would you?"  
  
Obliging, the fifteen-year-old watched as the other crammed a few more Lord of the Rings things into her bag. "And that printout we got of Frodo Defies Shelob. . ."  
  
"That's not even a good picture!"  
  
"Yesitis!" Tessa yelled, eyes flashing.  
  
"No, it's not."  
  
Sighing, the hobbit-obsessive girl conceded. "Yeah, okay, maybe it's NOT the best picture, but the printer was out of blue ink, so it's not MY fault it came out messed."  
  
Rolling her eyes, Jennie bounced on her suitcase again, trying to get it to close. Something snapped inside. "DAMN! There goes my nail polish remover!" Fishing inside, she gave a yelp and withdrew her hand; it was coated a vivid, sparkly red. "Never mind. . . it wasn't the remover. . . it was the nail polish."  
  
Snickering, Tessa admonished, "If you got nail polish on your copy of the Hobbit, I'm going to laugh."  
  
"Ohcrap!" Eyes panicked, Jennie hauled her suitcase open and stared at the pool of red liquid seeping from her bathroom bag. Grimacing, she extracted a ruined hairbrush, a ruined toothbrush, and three ruined bras. "Yick. . ."  
  
"Jennie!" Tessa smothered a laugh. Her cousin threw the bras at her, and she squealed, diving aside. "Ewwww!"  
  
The older girl was hurriedly taking out everything that hadn't been stained crimson. The smell of nail polish lingered in the air, making her cousin grimace. "Now you know why I never pack nail polish when we go on trips."  
  
"But the red would've gone so well on my toenails, especially with my new apricot single-strap sandals," Jennie protested, taking out a ruined spaghetti strap shirt and tossing it aside.  
  
Tessa yelped and charged after it. "You're going to get red all over my carpet!"  
  
"Omigod!" Jennie's eyes were saucers of horror. "Look at my forest bathrobe!"  
  
Both cousins sized up the dark-green garment, green no longer. Red blotched over a third of the silky fleece.  
  
"You had to pack it right next to your bathroom bag, didn't you?" Tessa sighed, coming over at last to inspect the damage. "Isn't it amazing how all that fluid can fit in one of those tiny containers?"  
  
Her cousin sat back, tears filling her eyes. "M-my bathrobe," she whispered miserably.  
  
The other had a last card to play. Leaning close, she whispered shrewdly, "Now we can go shopping in Ireland."  
  
That did it. Cheerfully, Jennie threw the rest of her damaged clothing aside and left the room, heading towards her own bedroom for some unscathed shirts, as well as a hefty wad of cash for foreign shopping. After all, she needed a new bathrobe now, and some other clothes wouldn't go amiss while she was at it. . .  
  
Smirking, Tessa turned back to her own suitcase. A thought struck her, and she dove under the bed for her own money. Rummaging through her pickle jar, she came up with forty dollars, envisioning the Ireland bookstores.  
  
"Frodo Baggins, here I come!"  
  
The melodramatic words were somewhat spoiled by Leah opening the bedroom door at that precise moment. Imagine, if you will, the view of brilliant- red clothing articles heaped in a corner, dying the newly-cleaned carpet red; in the opposite corner, Tessa sat, one arm protectively draped around a splitting bookbag amid numerous Elijah Wood pictures.  
  
Thin-lipped, trying to prevent herself from screaming hysterically, the woman demanded, "What happened here?"  
  
"We're packing, Mom," Jennie said ecstatically, pushing her way into the filthy room. A spark of somewhat devious nature made her add, "Can't you tell?"  
  
"What-" Leah pointed at a stained bra "-is that?"  
  
"Oh, my nail polish broke," her daughter said wickedly. "It's the permanent one, you know - Electric Apple - so you can go ahead and throw those away."  
  
"We're leaving tonight - in two hours - and you're still not packed?" Leah swooned. The sight of permanent Electric Apple - whatever the hell that was - seeping into the fibers of a twenty-dollar fleece bathrobe, staining the carpet she had only days ago cleaned to a shine, and ruining the rest of her daughter's clothes was a little too much for the crestfallen mother.  
  
The scream broke loose.  
  
"JENNIEEEEEE!"  
  
"Uh-oh," Tessa remarked, trying to avoid the stricken gaze of her aunt, "we're in trouble now."  
  
"I'll say," Jennie muttered, striding over to her suitcase with an armful of new, clean clothes. Halting as she saw the blotch of red on her suitcase lid, the girl chewed her lip. She blinked up at her mom with all the innocence she could muster. "You wouldn't have a sponge, would you?"  
  
The hand of justice came down, and, as is common to hands of justice, smacked its daughter on the head. "Clean it up right now!"  
  
"That's why I asked for a sponge," Jen said patiently.  
  
Bored with the theatrics, Tessa was beginning to read the Tolkien Encyclopedia. "There's a sponge in the kitchen," she mumbled.  
  
Leah glared. "Go get it!"  
  
Her niece looked up, startled. "But I didn't do anything!"  
  
Feeling the beginnings of a migraine, the woman glowered at her daughter. "You. Go. Get. It. Now."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Tessa went back to the past bravery of Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil. "Jen, did you know he saved an entire colony of fugitives during the Fall of Gondolin?"  
  
"Now isn't the time," her cousin hissed out of the side of her mouth. Under the piercing gaze of her mom, she slowly got to her feet and made for the kitchen.  
  
Several more pages of Legolas and five minutes later, Jennie sat scrubbing her suitcase with a somewhat pungent sponge. Wrinkling her nose, she paused for a moment to look at the other girl, who was now engrossed in the history of the Shire.  
  
"Don't help, will you," she gritted.  
  
The book was laid aside, revealing two blue-gray eyes watching her in amusement. "I'm not the one who packed nail polish."  
  
Jen grinned suddenly. "Oh yeah?"  
  
Making her way over to the other's suitcase, she rummaged inside the bathroom bag. Alert and panicky, Tessa tried to stop her.  
  
Easily holding her cousin off, Jennifer felt about, suspicion, malice, and laughter blended into her features. The other's eyebrows snapped together, as, snarling, she heaved against the girl's intruding weight, pushing her onto her back.  
  
"Oh, you want to wrestle, do you," the older one growled, climbing to her feet.  
  
Smirking, the other held her chin high in their traditional "Winner" pose. A fist rammed her in the stomach. Doubling over as if to couch the pain, Tessa brought her chin down into her attacker's forehead.  
  
Jennie immediately turned herself and rolled, forcing the other backward as her knees bent painfully. Yelping, her cousin braced herself against the bed and heaved, sending the other slightly forward. She snarled and raked visible flesh with bitten nails, inflicting scores of red.  
  
Nursing her rent arm, Tessa clawed at the other's face. The teenage girls rose onto their knees, battling, until fingers slammed together and locked.  
  
Muscles straining, backs arching, both cousins strove to budge the other. Tense moments passed. Tessa had the advantage of the bed behind her; she used its iron weight to heave against the stronger girl.  
  
Footsteps sounded in the hall. Leah entered again just as her daughter began to force the younger cousin into the bed. "Jennifer Lyn!"  
  
Jennie let go, smiling innocently. "Yeah?"  
  
"Work!"  
  
As soon as her mom had left, the girl looked back at her cousin, beaming in triumph. "I won. You know what to do."  
  
Grumbling to herself, Tessa went and got a rag to help her cousin scour the stained suitcase. ((A/N: whew!)) Smirking, Jennie gave herself a metaphorical pat on the back and took up the sponge.  
  
They worked together for about twenty minutes, scraping off loosened red chips with their nails occasionally. As Tessa scratched the final spot from the sides, she gave her cousin a broad grin. Purposefully, she walked back to her own suitcase, reached inside her bathroom bag, took out a container, and - with complete innocence - began to paint her own nails a silvery blue.  
  
"I knew it!" the other shrieked. "You did have nail polish in your bag!" In a leap towards her cousin, Jennie's foot caught on the Tolkien Encyclodpedia.  
  
It was as though time had slowed to a crawl. Almost in slow motion, the teenager hung in a frozen jump, teetering on the edge of a fall.  
  
Then the ground - or rather, Tessa's lap - came rushing upwards.  
  
"Eep!"  
  
The small cry was jolted from her cousin as Jennie crashed into her, sending the blue nail polish spinning out of her grasp. Both girls watched with bated breath as it whirled neatly into her suitcase, spilling silvery fluid everywhere.  
  
Irony was sometimes a kind name for the vilest of fate.  
  
Jennie managed a small, halfhearted smile before Tessa gave a roar and attacked her.  
  
*  
  
At the airport, that night:  
  
Leah marched behind the sorry-looking girls. Both, for a reason unknown to the passerby, were wearing gloves despite the boiling weather. The only hint as to why were flecks of silver-blue up their arms.  
  
Dragging their suitcases behind them (one was flecked with red, the other silver) the girls entered the airport, walking to the front desk with their parents and Jennie's older sister Alison.  
  
"Isn't Lindsey coming?" Tessa hissed at the other, referring to Jen's oldest sister, who had her own house in Arizona.  
  
"She's busy this summer," her cousin whispered.  
  
Leah stood a little ways off and took her fourth aspirin.  
  
Kristin ignored everyone and marched up to the desk. As she opened her mouth to speak, the clerk crooned, "And how is everyone tonight?"  
  
There was a very tense silence. The cousins attempted to look innocent.  
  
"Well, then," said the clerk, unnerved. "Where are you flying, Mrs., uh-"  
  
"Chillumka."  
  
"Oh?" the clerk mumbled, typing away. C, H, I, L -  
  
"Ah yes," she nodded, "you have a flight to Washington in five minutes."  
  
Kristin looked briefly flummoxed, before she shook her head. "No, I don't! I'm Mrs. Chillumka. That's Chill, U, M, K, A."  
  
"Oh! Yes, you have a flight to West Virginia's central airport in half an hour."  
  
Mollified, Kristin nodded. Behind her, her daughter whispered. "We're not going to Ireland?"  
  
"We're going to Ireland from West Virginia."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Jennie began to lift her nail-polish-speckled suitcase. The clerk noticed her trying to hoist the splitting luggage up and immediately came out from behind the desk. "Let me help you with that, little girl."  
  
Tessa saw her cousin's fists clench. "I can manage," the girl said distinctly. "I am fifteen."  
  
"Yes - what a big girl you are!"  
  
Had the clerk known how near sudden pain she was, she might not have been as cocky. Jennie's eyes flashed, and as the clerk lifted the bag, the owner subtly loosened the strap fastener and down went the suitcase, right on a toe.  
  
Going white, the clerk managed a whimper.  
  
"Oh, very good," Leah said sourly, fishing for her aspirins, "very good indeed, Jennifer."  
  
Her daughter allowed herself the barest smirk before putting on an innocent face. "I didn't do anything! The strap came undone."  
  
"By itself?" her mother probed.  
  
"Yes," the girl lied smoothly. "What, did you think I did that?" She gestured at the pasty clerk.  
  
"I saw you!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
As Leah frog-marched her daughter away from the counter for a good telling- off, Tessa watched them, feeling that it would be a very long vacation indeed. 


	5. Chapter Five: To Break The Barrier

Chapter Five: To Break The Barrier  
  
Opal Kaboi drew her knees to her chest, giggling wickedly as she wrapped her arms about her ankles. It was the trademark Kaboi giggle: high, chilling, malicious, anticipating. Just the sort of evil sound you would expect from an escaped prisoner.  
  
She drew in a long breath of satisfaction, surveying her surroundings. The LEP were stupid, really; after her capture, they had merely closed down her laboratories, not destroyed them. As a further insult to her capability, they had put a trio sprite guard on the front doors. Three winged idiots!  
  
Honestly. That was not enough to stop her!  
  
After she had left the Arctic pinnacle, Opal had calmed down a little. Rationalize, she told herself, think small. For now. Where would the LEP expect her to go?  
  
Laboratories. A flicker of remembrance stirred in her memory. She had been wealthy, she had had great security-tight foundations where Foaly's overblown system was only so much dust beneath her feet.  
  
Would the LEP expect her to go there?  
  
The pixie smiled grimly. They wouldn't, she was sure. That had been her downfall; her own laboratories had been breached and overridden by a small group of enemies! Shame and boiling anger rose in her throat, but she bit it back. Now was not the time to stew over her folly.  
  
An hour later, sitting on an outcrop overlooking her former domain, Opal realized she had been right. Even Root, her so-called-intelligent nemesis, had put three sprites as a guard against any who wanted to chance the deserted labs.  
  
She had rid herself of them easily.  
  
Pity blood and brain fluid was so hard to scrub out of doormats.  
  
Entering the silent, shadowed building, the pixie felt another wave of bile in her chest. Rage burned her eyes. Officers from Recon and Retrieval alike had destroyed everything, computers, hardware, diskettes, microns, the lot. Filth and trash were heaped in the corners. Apparently Foaly hadn't even bothered to check her superior network.  
  
Despite her fury, Opal had to grin. The centaur was as vain as ever, a bonus to her plan. He, then, did not know about her restored ability to hack into his files.  
  
Oh, the stupidity! It galled her to think that the entire LEP was still using his technology! Foaly had left her with the one tool she had used to disrupt the entire underground only two years ago.  
  
"Oh, Foaly," she breathed, laughing as she made her way down a flight of stairs, "when will you learn to shelve your pride?"  
  
Every computer on all six floors was destroyed, every file of data wiped.  
  
Except for one.  
  
Still laughing over the folly of her enemy, Opal descended to the lowest level, glancing furtively over her shoulder, then giggling at herself. "Silly - no one's here." Turning back to the shadowy corners, she rubbed her knuckles gleefully.  
  
The restoration of the Kaboi Empire had begun.  
  
As her fingers kneaded a small chip implanted in her bone, a light flicked on above the blackest shelf. It flashed green, signifying her password was still valid, and burst into light. Another green knob at the opposite side of the room met the beam in midair, causing a green arch over Opal's head.  
  
A door flickered into being under the radiant light, its frame melded to meet the arch exactly. The pixie put her hand on the knob, and pushed. It swung open, her secret dimensional hideout.  
  
As she surveyed the contents of the untouched room, the prisoner opened her mouth and let out a long, shrill, demonic cry of laughter. She had thwarted them, even miles away in Howler's Peak; they had not ruined the plans she had begun two years before.  
  
Trembling with pride and anticipation, Opal let out another high-pitched giggle, which echoed and rang from the dome of her hideout, until a thousand Kabois were cackling and chuckling and triumphing with her.  
  
It went on and on and on and on -  
  
*  
  
Holly sat up in bed, sweating, both hands clutching her cot quilt to her chin. She cast her eyes about the room warily. "Opal," she whispered. "What have we done?"  
  
Cautiously, she made her way over to her wardrobe, where she suited up and left her quarters anxiously. Her dream - was it a dream? - was all the more worrying with Commander Root out of action. His Retrieval team had returned a few days before, all severely wounded by mortal combat with the troll. Their guns had been put out of commission early on; Root had made one of his first mistakes in putting shooters up front. Eight feet against three feet. The boys had been stepped on.  
  
Hard.  
  
Neither she nor Foaly relished the idea of telling him that not only was the best Retrieval squad out of it, Opal Kaboi was loose once more.  
  
The thought made her cringe.  
  
But he would have to be told. Sooner or later. Especially if her vision wasn't false, and the pixie had returned to her laboratory.  
  
There was one way to be sure.  
  
Stealthily, silently, Holly made her way through the almost-empty highways towards the Ops Booth. Foaly, who insisted that he worked "late hours", snored softly on a plaid couch that the commander had always described as tasteless.  
  
Snickering at the memory, the elf slipped past her sleeping friend to the experiment rooms in the back. She knew that Foaly's new idea, to use the mesmer on animals, had more to it than the Council would admit. The centaur had already taken the tested theory to them twice. Both times he had been rejected. Use of mesmer on fellow creatures - aside from humans - was strongly discouraged.  
  
Tonight, however, the Captain would risk it.  
  
Plucking a translator from the shelf, she smiled to herself and walked into a small chamber, where sat one of the only species of life underground; a swear toad.  
  
"Shit," it said, looking up at her.  
  
Holly's translator crackled, until she heard the toad in Gnomish instead of. . . well, swear toad language. "What do you want?" the toad was saying.  
  
A thought struck the elf and she went to get another translator. No point in ordering this creature about if it couldn't tell what she was saying.  
  
Positioning the new crescent next to where she thought its ear was, she said, "I am an elf. I won't hurt you."  
  
Amusingly, her words crackled out of the translator as, "Bleeding hell!"  
  
The swear toad went cross-eyed. "Fu-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Holly snarled as this was transformed into "Elves are the enemy!" Somehow, she wasn't surprised by its reaction.  
  
As she picked it up, the toad bit her thumb until it drew blood, saying, "Damn asshole!"  
  
There was no translation for this. The captain supposed she ought to be grateful - swear words in Gnomish shattered the eardrums - but all she found was hatred for this contemptible little thing. "I feel the same," she muttered, gingerly holding the critter at arm's length.  
  
It snorted, swore, and peed on her.  
  
The remnant of Holly's patience could be found fifty miles away and counting. "You wretched brat, you wait till I-"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Foaly stood in the doorway, watching the elf as she slung the swear toad away from her, dripping urine and red with rage.  
  
Upon seeing him, she blushed and snarled. "One word, pony-boy. One word of this spreads through the LEP and I kick some butt."  
  
The centaur snickered. "More like Root everyday, aren't you, bushy?"  
  
The captain was about to inquire about her new nickname when she remembered that Mud Men had a winter hemlock called holly. Sullenly, she pointed at the swear toad. "Can you," she said, breathing hard, "remove this - thing - or at least get it to shut up?"  
  
"I can do both," Foaly remarked. "I can also get a plug for him, if you like."  
  
Holly bit back a chuckle as she looked down at her sodden suit. "That would be lovely."  
  
"Bit cruel though."  
  
"Maybe, but it'll make me feel better."  
  
"What were you planning on using him for?"  
  
Hesitantly, Holly told him about her dream, and how she was going to mesmer the toad to go to Kaboi Labs so she could see if it was only a vision.  
  
"It was so real though, Foaly," she finished.  
  
He was already picking out an eye-cam. "Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. With Root out, we have to be extra careful. Muddling along without a commander is hard. I can't wait till you get your own commander acorns."  
  
Seeing her amazed look, he added, "Don't you ever tell Julius I called muddling without him hard. He'll gloat for a year."  
  
"No - of course not - Foaly, what commander acorns???"  
  
Startled at her surprise, Foaly affirmed his belief. "You're the first ever girl in Recon. Look at the younger female elves; you're their idol. You have wit, you keep your head, you're smart and brave. It's only a matter of time before the Council realizes how many times you've saved their -"  
  
"- asses," put in the swear toad, who was listening with interest through the translator.  
  
The centaur grinned. "Exactly." Thoughtful, Holly drew herself up. "Then let's get started. Kaboi could bring the whole Council to their knees with her labs."  
  
"Damned f-" the toad interrupted. ("By the way, if you get a plug, I'll feed it to you.")  
  
Laughing, the captain remarked, "Did that sound exactly like a certain snobbish centaur in this vicinity to you, Foaly, or is it just me?"  
  
Turning his back, Foaly pretended not to hear.  
  
*  
  
Opal Kaboi scowled as the results of her survey flashed up on the computer screen. Apparently, a year before, the last of her ties to Foaly's network had been erased. Had she known this had caused a large delay in rescuing Artemis Fowl from a nonexistent fictional world, she might have been satisfied. As it was, she found herself annoyed.  
  
No matter - she could hack into the system again. Typing in the code as she remembered it, Opal fed his computer system number into her data.  
  
1165811. . . 1165811. . .  
  
The digits rolled on the screen in Gnomish, and then she was through. Stupid fool - he hadn't even erased his former password.  
  
Idiot.  
  
Smugly, she paged through his files, wondering what the fool had been up to. A document called "Records of Fowl travel" caught her eye; she clicked on it. Her smugness turned to interest and then to astonishment as she began to read the reports aloud.  
  
" 'Artemis Fowl has been sent to Middle-Earth through an irresponsible wish on unsupervised elf healing magic.' 'Artemis Fowl is endangered by the Orc armies in the nonexistent world and an eight-hour time limit.' 'Artemis Fowl has been recovered through the reprogramming of a bio-bomb. . .' holy shit!" Opal shrieked.  
  
This was it. Nonexistent worlds. . . Orc armies. . . This, by God, was how she would return to power.  
  
In style.  
  
Jumping from her seat at the computer, the pixie paced. It was perfect. Elf healing magic. . . Her mind raced. She needed an elf. A wounded elf, so she could use his magic to summon the evil forces of Middle-Earth and cover Haven with a second darkness. ((A/N: I love that phrase!))  
  
Turning back to the files, she selected the most recent entry; "Troll Defeats #1 Retrieval Team."  
  
As she read, her bliss grew. The top LEP squad was out of commission, and Julius Root, her old nemesis, was badly hurt, with a head wound, sluggish thigh bleeding, and a broken arm.  
  
Clapping her hands in glee, Opal Kaboi laughed. Healing magic would allow her to summon an army. Root, her enemy, was injured. Their best men were mostly unconscious. Above all, she had technology that surpassed that dim centaur's.  
  
Everything was perfect.  
  
Haven would be hers in a fortnight. All she needed was blood.  
  
Blood and a bio-bomb. . . 


	6. Author's Note

Author's Note-  
  
Yes, yes, yes, I know perfectly well there's a huge hole in my story plot. But I only found out a week ago that the Elven rings were shorn of their power after the One was destroyed. Nevertheless, I am having WAYY too much fun with this story to care.  
  
So sorry I suck at updating! My life has been hell - we had rehearsal for the high school play every five minutes, and I got up at 5:30 a.m. and go to bed at 10 p.m. So please have patience!  
  
For all my reviewers who ask about the Ireland trip - GO BACK AND READ! Here's a quote from chapter 2 that explains EVERYTHING!  
  
Jennie leaned further into the kitchen, striving to hear the faint words her mother was mumbling. Her eyes were wide with hope. Both cousins had heard the phrase "Ireland cruise" and were almost mad with anticipation.  
  
"It can't be true," Tessa hissed. "We would KNOW if we were going to Ireland for our summer vacation."  
  
"Would we?" Jennie pointed out. "Until five seconds ago, we were both locked outside, while our mother 'cleaned carpets.' Though this doesn't sound like carpet cleaning."  
  
"No really. Unless your mother secretly opened a carpet cleaning business in Ireland. . ."  
  
"Tessa, shut up, I'm trying to hear the conversation."  
  
Inside the kitchen, Kristin munched a cookie as she talked. "There would be no free passports for Tessa and I as we receive when we go to Florida every fall, Leah. That would upper the price a lot."  
  
"But this year we told the girls we would take them to Disneyworld when we went to Florida, and you got that phone call yesterday about the extensive remodeling. We can't go now. And I've heard the girls talking about Ireland a lot lately. It would be a good alternative for a summer vacation."  
  
See????  
  
Anyhoo - my muse has deserted me. Suggestions please, dear readers! I was considering a horrible love mishap between the cousins and Artemis, but that would TOTALLY kill off the story's innocence. Unless you WANT this to be darker themed.  
  
Help!  
  
- AleniaOceanstar 


	7. Chapter Six: Arrival

My inspiration for this came at 7:30 as always, in math class, and the only thing I had to write on was a stupid puppy dog notebook that has miraculously survived since knidergarten. Almost a decade. O.o  
  
So, I wrote down about three pages of ideas for we cousins singing on the plane, determined to finish the chapter at home that evening.  
  
BUT, I came up with three new story ideas, and this was abandoned. For a week, I think.  
  
And then I reread the Conspiracy and the Return, and remembered this, and spent four hours looking for my notebook, which has gotten itself lost for the first time in almost a decade during the moment when I actually *wanted* it around.  
  
So this, a product of my staying up until 10:00 p.m., was written from memory.  
  
And that, folks, is the story of my life.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Six: Arrival  
  
The cousins were singing.  
  
It was an annoying process, and already everyone on the plane - from the passengers to the pilot - were ready to murder them. You see, when the cousins sang, they made it a contest to see who could be more irritating.  
  
This particular contest had lasted three hours already. Their first plane ride had been spent in silence as the cousins plotted for their trip. Once they borded the West Virginia flight to Ireland, most unfortunately, however, they had gotten bored.  
  
Jennie had gone through all the Veggie Tales theme melodies, commercial jingles, and Easter hymns (which really are aggravating, not sure why) that she could remember; Tessa was still working on the ninety nine verses of "beer on the wall."  
  
She had previously worked her way through evil Disney songs (including Cruella De Vil, Ursella's "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and Scar's creepy hyena- themed revenge plot thing song that he takes up half the Lion King with).  
  
"Ya take un daown and ya passit around," she sang in a drunken accent. "Fifty-six bottles a beer onna wall! Fifty-six bottles a beer onna wall, fifty-six bottles a BEER, ya take un daown and ye passit around, fifty-five bottles a beer onna wall! Fifty-five bottles a beer onna wall, fifty-five bottles a BEER, ya take un daown and ya passit around, fifty four bottles a beer onna wall!" ((A/N: This is to give you some idea of how annoying I really can be sometimes. . .))  
  
Her cousin looked up as the stewardess stopped by their seats. "I'm sorry, you'll have to be quiet now - please," she said tightly, and strode on before they could answer.  
  
Tessa looked at her fellow conspirator. "How many times has she asked us that?"  
  
"19."  
  
"What are we aiming for?"  
  
"25."  
  
"Right." She drew a breath. "Fifty-two bottles a beer onna wall, fifty-two bottles of BEER. . ."  
  
Smirking, Jennie peered through the space between their seats to their parents, who were sitting three rows back. Leah and Kristin were glaring daggers at each other, hissing "Can't you make your daughter shut UP?"  
  
Biting back laughs, the girl faced forward again and began singing with the other, louder than before so that Ally (who was sitting at the front of the plane and pretending she didn't know them) could hear her.  
  
*  
  
Up front, Alison buried her head in her arms and wondered why the HELL Lindsey hadn't presented her with a way to get out of this. . . hell!  
  
*  
  
Kristin could stand it no longer. Glowering at her older sister, she pushed past their assorted carry-ons and made her way towards the back of the plane.  
  
Midway, she found what she was looking for.  
  
"Excuse me, but would you walk up there and tell those two girls to shut up?! - I, uh, I have a feeling they would listen to you. . ." The woman smoothed down her apricot sweater, gazing pleadingly at the teenaged boy she had selected to be her message-bearer.  
  
Bewildered, he nodded, running a hand through his curly black hair. Blue eyes met Kristin's brown ones, and she hid a grin. Tessa, at least, would definitely listen to this kid.  
  
Returning to her seat, she waited.  
  
Unbuckling, the attractive male made his way up the aisle until he reached the two obnoxious girls. He didn't want to talk to them; he wanted, rather, to make them stop talking.  
  
Singing, that is.  
  
"Both of you," he snarled, grabbing their attention immediately, "shut up. NOW."  
  
The shorter one gulped audibly, her mouth suddenly opening and closing without producing sound. She nodded ecstatically, her blue eyes boring into his own, and then suddenly gave him a very flirtatious smile. "Hi. Sorry to have disturbed you. We. . ." she glanced at the still-warbling Jennie and changed what she was going to say. "I'LL stop bothering you now."  
  
But the young man had retreated as soon as he saw her beam. It was rather a disconcerting experience.  
  
Jennie was still trilling away happily, not letting her cousin's sudden meek silence disturb her.  
  
And so continued another twenty minutes. . .  
  
*  
  
Butler was getting very, very, very annoyed.  
  
He realized this could be dangerous for the average human and tried to control it, he really did. Rushes of adrenaline could allow him to easily snap somebody's neck. And he had endured three or four hours of stifling his rage.  
  
But if those DAMNED girls did NOT shut up four rows behind his plane seat, he would easily snap someone's neck anyway.  
  
It was indeed an odd coincidence that he should be on the same flight as the cousins. Why, you ask, was he there in the first place?  
  
Read on, moi cliché hunters!  
  
Artemis had pleaded with him not to go to the States. Butler remembered this with a feeling of unease. Soon after his employer had warned him of the visiting cousins, Artemis Senior had conducted an exploit with someone in West Virginia. After promising his young charge that he would be back before any girls could manage, the manservant had sped on his errand to complete the trade.  
  
It was a simple enough bargain: old Fowl Star blueprints for a Victorian heirloom.  
  
What bothered the man more was the teenage boy's apprehension. . .  
  
*  
  
(FLASHBACK)  
  
Artemis opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He stared up at his guardian with a sinking feeling. "Couldn't Juliet go?" he managed at last.  
  
"We would lose the elements of fear, surprise, and respect in the trade, which means it would collapse. You know that! Your father lost his own manservant in the Fowl Star crash. I can, and will, perform this task for your healing father."  
  
"But. . . !"  
  
The mastermind let his sentence trail away as he thought. When he had been around the cousins before, without Butler, they had almost been locked into a nonexistent world. Protection was going to be his advantage this time around. They were coming, and Butler was going?!  
  
He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thought. He had to stop treating the cousins like accomplices. They weren't. What happened around them had involved him as a friend, not a bargain item.  
  
~Or a lover,~ Foaly's voice breathed in his ear.  
  
Though it was only a mental conjuration, the boy automatically flushed angrily.  
  
"Butler," he ordered, turning away, "be back in four days. No more, or I will record it as a fluke in service."  
  
Astounded at the warning, Butler muttered something and strode away. It was the first time his carge had threatened him.  
  
What had these - cousins - done to him?  
  
*  
  
As Butler now listened to the singing behind him, he smiled grimly to himself. If the cousins were anything like these two girls, he could understand how bullying might come easily to the master's tongue.  
  
((A/N: Naïve, rude, uncivilized Butler. *thumbs nose* Grrr!))  
  
Attempting to ignore the pair, he buried himself in a magazine from the seat pocket in front of him.  
  
((A/N: *thumbs nose some more* whee! Distraction, am I?))  
  
" '. . .police are doing absolutly nothing to check who has been behind these museum robberies,'" he mumbled aloud, reading to himself. "The loss of a Russian portrait, one of the prides of the Continental Peoples History Museum, should have spurred them into action, but. . .'"  
  
". . . ya take one daown and ya passit around, twenty nine bottles a beer onna wall!" Tessa was singing again. ((A/N: Go me!)) "Twenty-nine bottles of beer onna wall, twenty-nine bottles a BEER, ya take one daown and ya passit around. . ."  
  
After a few more minutes of "beer on the wall" and trying to shut it out using an essay on West Virginia Law Enforcement, however, Butler. . . sort of. . . yeah.  
  
Butlerized.  
  
He threw down the STUPID paper and burst out of his STUPID seat to burst down the STUPID aisle and stop by these STUPID girls and yell in their INFINATELY STUPID FACES!  
  
"SHUT. . . UP!"  
  
And, as the great Shakespeare would put it, the rest was silence.  
  
Jennie gurgled.  
  
Butler roared at her, and the gurgle subsided into a whimper without sound.  
  
If it had been a normal situation, the flight attendant would have hurried over and tried to restrain this disturbed giant. If it had been a normal situation, the cousins' parents would have screamed and leapt to their feet. If it had been a normal situation, everybody would have hollered at the lunatic running around shouting in girls' faces.  
  
But it wasn't.  
  
The cousins had been singing for roughly three and a half hours, and they found themselves utterly deserted.  
  
Their parents sat back and enjoyed the spectacle.  
  
The flight attendant heaved a sigh of relief.  
  
The other passengers, cruel as it sounds, clapped (Tessa was horrified later to learn that the cute black-haired boy was one of them).  
  
As of the moment, she was white as a sheet.  
  
"If we shut up," she rasped in a voice somewhere between a squeak and a whisper, "will you not hurt us?"  
  
Butler almost gave her a reassuring smile. Almost. He caught himself in time.  
  
"Maybe," he rumbled.  
  
Both girls visibly relaxed. "Whew," remarked Jennie. "You scared me. I would've sworn for a moment there, you were Butler or something. Like all grrr-y and everything. Troll dude. Yeah. . ."  
  
Butler froze.  
  
"Say that again," he said slowly.  
  
Tessa dug her elbow into the other's side. "Uhm. We have this friend who is like, macho rich, and he's got a Butler. He took out a troll once, can you believe i- well you probably don't believe in trolls. But yeah. The Butler, not the friend," she added as an afterthought.  
  
The manservant was tempted to faint. Grasping at consciousness and trying to numb his shock, he asked weakly, "Did, your friend ever. . . kidnap. . . a fairy?"  
  
The silence before was deafening compared to the complete lack of silence that fell now over the formerly loud pair. By that time, most of the passengers had lost interest and were talking among themselves again, so they didn't notice the cousins' faces drain of all normal vibrant hues.  
  
White.  
  
Whiter than snow.  
  
((A/N: Snow isn't actually all that white. . . nvm.))  
  
Very white, anyway.  
  
((A/N: I think I've established the fact that it's white. Moving on. . .))  
  
Tessa managed to choke out, "B, B- Butl-ler?"  
  
Well, the manservant thought wryly, it came as a bit of a shock to me too when I discovered YOU were the ones I had to spend a week with. . .  
  
Suddenly, he paled too, having just realized what exactly that meant.  
  
Leah, peering between the seats, beheld a very odd scene.  
  
Two girls and a rather large man were staring at each other, all rather ashy and completely motionless. They swallowed, blinked, and said in unison, "I have to spend my summer with YOU?!"  
  
Getting off on the wrong foot with Butler is not a good way to start a vacation. Especially if, having stepped all over his toes, you suddenly comprehend who the owner of such toes actually is.  
  
This raced through Tessa's head before she unbuckled and, pushing past Butler, made her way towards the bathroom.  
  
Jennie scrambled to follow her.  
  
And, as fate would have it, stepped on the manservant's toes.  
  
It really was going to be a very, very long vacation.  
  
*  
  
Six pages on Microsoft. FINALLY! *passes out* *mutters* stupid notebooks. . . 


	8. Chapter Sever: An Interesting Encounter

Chapter Seven: An Interesting Encounter  
  
Artemis was reading.  
  
More accurately, Artemis was engrossed in a long, dull, shitty copy of the Odyssey merely because there was nothing else to do. He was slightly bemused by the fact that he was apparently named after a Greek goddess. . .  
  
With a tired, wretched sigh, he set the green-bound book down and glanced at the clock. The minutes hand had descended .3 millimeters since the last time he had checked it.  
  
Was Butler so helpless when it came to speed?  
  
The thought was cruel, and the boy put it aside immediately. His father had lost his own butler, and loans were a new requirement in the Manor. If Butler was detained by other business, then his charge must be patient and try not to think about the strange mixture of enthusiasm, expectation and pitting dread he felt at mention of the word "cousins."  
  
Artemis grimaced and stood up, gazing over his bedframe out the open western window in his room. A beautiful Irish sunset met his eyes. The pulsing orange star, wreathed in clouds of gossimer yellow and deep magenta, was poised over a distant chisled mountain. In the distance, the mastermind's keen eyes picked out the low, hulking shape of the airport, a cluster of planes and lights in the fading light.  
  
Biting his lip against the sudden apprehension that swamped him, Artemis turned and sat back down on his neatly made bed.  
  
Was it so difficult, to know he was going to see them?  
  
The thought made him cringe. Yes, it was. God knew he missed them, but to have them return? Was he ever in for a wild ride.  
  
Not that he didn't want to see them again. . .  
  
Oh, this was confusing!  
  
Despite his attempts to submerge it, the thought rose again unbidden; a memory of being enthroned by fire and ash, standing on the threshhold of Mount Doom, tasting the air of a world that was not supposed to exist. If not for them, would he have ever held Anduril? Would he have ever seen a hobbit?  
  
Would he have ever known the feeling of being a person who mattered?  
  
Holly Short, Butler, and Foaly would have all protested this question. But he knew he was right. The cousins had accepted him, and befriended him, and come to consider him a crucial addition to their lives - all subconsciously. Holly, Butler, and Foaly had no such endearment of him. -They- had worked to adapt.  
  
With another, more plaintive exhale, Artemis picked up a paper full of spidery handwriting. It was a recent letter to him, from the girls.  
  
*  
  
Dear Artemis,  
  
We're writing to tell you that we still don't know what day our Ireland flight is. Kristin keeps meaning to tell us, and then she gets sidetracked. Last time, it was because Tess had used all the jelly beans for a mosaic in the garden.  
  
(Several scratched-out words that look like "Hey, it was a pretty cool mosaic! I had fit in the scene in Rivendell where the hobbits reunite! Sam was messed up though. . . Alison said he looked a bit like a hamster. . .")  
  
By the way, Alison's coming to Ireland with us.  
  
Jennie reckons we can lock her in a mall changing room pretty fast though.  
  
If you can find a store with the newest style denim tops. . .  
  
. . . yeah, we should be able to lose her. . .  
  
Tessa wants to know if there's any bookstores near Fowl Manor. . .  
  
See you soon!  
  
-Jennie and Tessa  
  
*  
  
He set down the paper and gazed out the window unseeingly. Odd. Artemis could even hear their voices sometimes.  
  
Merely considering this burned his cheeks. Foaly had accused him of being enamored of the cousins. Well, he'd see when they actually GOT here. . .  
  
"You DAMNABLE sandals! Oh, my, god, I am SO going to buy new ones tomorrow at the very latest! Look, Tessa, the strap's torn right off the end."  
  
The mastermind smiled faintly. Irony. It loved to bite him on the ass, didn't it?  
  
"Say, Butly, how big's the key for this thing?"  
  
Artemis was still trying to figure out if the cousins were seriously standing outside the Manor's front door or if he was just hallucinating, but those words snapped him out of it. "Butly"? Was Butler with them?  
  
A giant moved into his range of sight from the window.  
  
"Pretty big, miss Tess." The reply was weary and condescending.  
  
The mastermind groaned aloud. His betrayer bodyguard was consorting with cousins!  
  
Worse, they were comfortably calling each other their names, signifying being together for several hours at least.  
  
Several hours. . . Artemis suddenly snickered. For Butler, the experience had no doubt been frightening.  
  
The sound of the key in the lock sent him sprinting down the stairs to intercept his guests. Natural instinct took over as he did so, however, and words emerged from his mouth that he wondered to hear:  
  
"Good evening."  
  
Oaken frames swept back to reveal two faces smiling at him, and suddenly Artemis didn't know what to say. He wasn't speechless; he just couldn't find a single phrase that expressed an adaquete greeting.  
  
Several minutes passed as he tried to regain control of his voice.  
  
Jennie broke the silence. "Good evening yourself, you big bad-ass silent man," she snapped, brushing past him. "Mom said we couldn't stay long, because we have to go to dinner in half an hour, but Butler said he'd drive us to the restaurant, because he thought you'd want to come. Dunno if I want you to though if you're just going to sit around spouting formality. Look at my damn sandals!"  
  
Having no other option, Artemis looked. The sandal in question was obviously past its experation date.  
  
"She wants to go shopping," another voice stated. "Can't say I'd mind. Get AWAY from these two pesticides. You wouldn't have BELIEVED their shitty behavior on the plane. Like, Hell on Wings. Hiya, squirt!"  
  
Alison waved in front of Artemis's blank stare. "Hellooo?"  
  
The last of the three relatives entered without saying a word. Grey-blue eyes met the mastermind's own blue, and then Tessa smiled. "Don't say hi, will ya? Got any hobbit on the menu over here?"  
  
Artemis felt his jaw drop. "Ooerrrr," he said finally. "Um.. No?"  
  
She grinned. "I'll find some. Don't worry. Wildlife always crops up for me. . . I am the queen predator. . ." With a broad, frightening wink, she stalked after her cousin. The mastermind turned and stared after them. "Agag," he commented, slightly off-balance at the thought of Tessa stalking "wildlife".  
  
But the genes of criminals in his blood were not wasted, and after several moments in which he regained his composure, he went after the girls hastily, praying Juliet had not seen them-  
  
"ARTEMIIIS!"  
  
So much for secrecy.  
  
"Ah," Artemis contradicted, stepping into the hall where the cousins were being held up by Juliet. "Ah, erhm. . ."  
  
It was going too fast, dammit! He'd fantasized about this moment upon his return a month ago, and here they were in the hall talking to Juliet while he stood there waiting for the mushy, sappy hug they were supposed to give him and what the hell? I mean, they're supposed to say "omigod, we missed you," not "Hiya, squirt!"  
  
At LEAST a tear would be nice at the symbolic moment.  
  
Juliet, however, was definitely not concerned about any sappy hugs at the moment. "Arty," she said in a falsetto whine, "who are these people?" Only the glint in her eyes told him about the danger these individuals were in.  
  
"Agag," the mastermind repeated. "They're, ubble, visiting. Yeah."  
  
Jennie was peering at the older girl with slitted eyes. "You're fat," she said conversationally, for the sake of a good brawl.  
  
Unfortunately, she didn't know that Juliet could kick ass.  
  
Artemis went from white to grey to purple to green to a very funny shade of turquoise in rapid succession as he saw the glint in the older teenager's eye become demonic. Butler and his charge both turned directly around and hid their eyes. They had seen Juliet suplex a pizza boy, as well as some other nastier viler things. . .  
  
The cousins, however, had not seen any such things, and they joined battle with a will. Sandal and suitcase alike were forgotton as the war began.  
  
"You fat blonde apewoman!" Tessa screamed enthusiastically. "OWWW! K, for THAT I'm breaking your finger-"  
  
"Let go, you short twit!"  
  
"Like hell I will! Go get a lollipop and shove it, it might match you to the pain of what you just did! Do you play soccer or something?!"  
  
"Oops, did I just rip out your hair?"  
  
"That'll leave a lovely bruise in the morning. . ."  
  
"OMIGOD! This is a DEMON! Didja see where she stabbed me?"  
  
"Bony elbows, huh? How bout I give you one in the eye!"  
  
"YOU BLEEDING BITCH, YOU!"  
  
"Oh, crap, I think she broke my thumb!"  
  
"Give her the wrench!"  
  
Artemis cranked open an eye as the dialogue flew fast and thick. "I think the cousins are winning," he murmured to Butler, awed.  
  
"You don't want me to snap THIS joint, do you? Oops. .."  
  
"O, sorry, that was your groin-"  
  
"LET GO OF ME, YOU IMMATURE BRATS!"  
  
With a terrified glance at his manservant, the mastermind slowly turned around. Juliet was pinned on the ground, scarlet in the face and puffing. Her right ring finger splinted out in an odd angle, her nose was bleeding, and she had a black eye. Tessa had her hair in a tight fist as she kneed the girl's abdomen; Jennie had her legs pinned. As though she felt the boy's eyes, she looked up.  
  
"Where's your bathroom?" the girl asked casually. "If I hold it any longer, I think I'm gonna bust."  
  
*  
  
Underground - THE BEGINNING OF THE KABOI EMPIRE -  
  
Opal Kaboi slunk down the hall, giggling wickedly. In one hand she held a common china bowl. It was full of a random sprite's blood, which she had, um, harvested before returning.  
  
The sprite in question she towed along behind her, unconscious. It was Chix Verbil. With another malicious chuckle, the pixie dragged him into her labratories. A structure known to the People as a bio-bomb, temporarily disabled, hovered in the air. Kaboi giggled and walked over to it, dropping Chix. He groaned.  
  
With a long slim hand, the pixie dribbled the blood into the bomb. It quivered as se began reprogramming it.  
  
All of ten minutes later, she stood back, proud. Instructed now to open its doors to a host of Orcs in Middle-Earth and carry them back to the real world, the bio-bomb was harmless.  
  
Now to power it. . .  
  
Chix Verbil was still unconscious. Tiny blue sparks flickered over his body, and Kaboi shrilly giggled. Placing a hand on his form, and the other on her bomb, she wished.  
  
"I wish this bio-bomb would go and do what it is programmed to do. . . thus beginning the era of Kaboi!"  
  
It flickered out.  
  
Far away, in Middle-Earth, a large hollow craft sped along the river Isen, up to a fortress crammed with Uruk-Hai. . .  
  
The perfect army for a crafty pixie. . . 


	9. Chapter Eight: More Tales to Tell

Wow. I wrote seven pages listening to Enya. Sorry it's been *checks* omigod, a MONTH??!! I'll be better in the future.  
  
For the record, the Eternity Code made me cry. Eoin Colfer sucks. *holds up middle finger politely to him* you pervert! What a stupid way to end a trilogy!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Eight: More Tales To Tell  
  
Opal reviewed her action when the bomb did not return. Deciding to use a different method, she slit Chix Verbil open and collected his magic. Instead of a magical byway, she opened a portal.  
  
It succeeded.  
  
*  
  
After her report from the swear toad, Holly had gone first to Root and then the Council. While both were not pleased to hear she had used the mesmer on an animal, they admitted the news on Kaboi was serious.  
  
"Serious?" chuckled the earpiece in Holly's ear as Foaly listened to them arguing. "Have they forgotten how Opal almost kicked their asses? She baffled me, of all people. Of course it's serious!"  
  
"We can handle it," decided Root when they heard the news. "We'll put a double shift on the labs right away."  
  
This was acceptable as an answer to the Council and they set the matter aside. Not such a great idea. Every man - er, Recon officer - that was sent out never came back. Holly took the case back on the second day of disappearances.  
  
Days of debate went by. Holly grew more impatient. She probably would have acted without a license had she known that Opal was currently in the act of gathering an army to her, having opened the portal with fairy magic.  
  
At last the verdict returned to her: "Put Foaly on it right away."  
  
The centaur already had a lead and was proofing his files against Kaboi. Holly helped by sending out more illegal mesmered animals to map. An offer for Mulch Diggums caught alive was circulating (he knew the labs end to end), and Root worked on recovering commander's privilege Kaboi documents even when he was out of action.  
  
The very day that the cousins and Artemis Fowl reunited, his results came through. Bodily functioning blueprints of Kaboi Laboratories.  
  
Foaly summoned Holly and Root to his office. "We have a bit of a problem."  
  
*  
  
A few hours later, following their use of a manor toilet ("Omigod! Black marble, Tessa! LOOK at the BATHTUB! It's like a Jacuzzi!"), the cousins and Artemis went to eat. Leah and Kristin both recognized the pale youth. For Leah, seeing him triggered her memory of the LEP, but she had long since brushed that off at a dream and so was not disturbed.  
  
Halfway through the meal, Artemis's cell phone rang. With an apologetic glance at the visiting family, he betook himself to the parking lot and flipped the case open.  
  
Root's voice came in loud and clear. "-y not ask him to save Haven in a couple weeks too? Honestly Foaly, can we do anything without him? The day he dies we may as well just give up hope-"  
  
"Shut up! I want to hear what ideas he might have, Julius!"  
  
"And then what? We wipe him again? Oh that's right, we can't."  
  
"He's left us alone." Foaly sounded bitter.  
  
"Only because h-"  
  
"Yes?" said Artemis calmly.  
  
Dead silence.  
  
"Artemis?" Holly. What was going on?  
  
"Fowl. We need to know exactly what you remember about being returned from Middle Earth."  
  
"Why?"  
  
The three fairies on the other end hesitated. Artemis decided another tack. "If you refuse to tell me anything, I refuse to be a party to this."  
  
"If you don't tell us," Foaly retorted, "you will die whether or not we mind-wipe you."  
  
That caught the teen's attention. "It's the future of our civilization?"  
  
"Yes," said Holly. "The fourth time, I might add, you've jeopardized us."  
  
"Short. I don't even know what you're talking about. How is it my fault this time?"  
  
"You ran away. Your associates transported you to Middle Earth. Your files gave Opal Kaboi enough material to construct a retrieving bio-bomb. That failing, she opened a subtle portal to Isengard and chained an Orc march to the labs. In short, about eight thousand. Already armed to the teeth."  
  
Artemis's mouth fell open. "And... guessing that's not good?"  
  
"No. We need witnesses to our first transport conduct so we can reverse it."  
  
"So you need me and the cousins?"  
  
Foaly considered it.  
  
"Yes."  
  
The mastermind made some quick calculations. "We would be perfectly willing to help you. Send Holly up here immediately with the blueprints."  
  
"Up there?" Holly demanded. "Why not down here?"  
  
"There's a little matter that needs to be taken care of up here first."  
  
"Of course. The great Artemis Fowl's price. What is it this time? Do I even want to know?"  
  
"Nothing large."  
  
"Why do I have a bad feeling," Root groaned.  
  
Artemis smiled a vampire smile. "I need a time-stop."  
  
*  
  
The quick exchange over, the boy stepped back into the restaurant. Holly and a Retrieval team could arrive in ten minutes maximum. He had that much time to sneak Tessa, Jennie, and Alison out of the building.  
  
Tearing off the paper band that held his silverware together, Artemis scribbled furiously, a note to Jennie:  
  
Say your hair messed or something and get Alison to go help you fix it. Come back and ask Tessa if she has an extra rubber band. Get her to go with you. Meet me outside. Don't ask questions.  
  
He slipped it under her fingers and took a drink of his iced tea.  
  
Jennie read the note under the booth, nodded, and dragged Alison towards the girl's bathroom. She demanded Tessa moments later. When the trio did not return, Artemis heaved a quiet sigh of relief and stood.  
  
"I think I'll go see what they're up to..."  
  
They were out.  
  
Artemis strolled through the front door to see the three girls stretched on the lawn, reading his note together. Alison looked cross.  
  
"What do you want?" she demanded, applying lip gloss by light of a lamppost.  
  
The mastermind motioned her to be quiet and drew them out of view of the restaurant windows, explaining in a whisper. "Kab - well, you don't know who she is - a betrayer of the People summoned an army of Orcs after she read our files and discovered it was possible. We're being taken to be questioned but first-"  
  
"First we have to time-stop." Holly Short's voice echoed from behind them. When they turned, however, she was still shielded. "Artemis, we're setting up. Lucky for you the sun's down."  
  
"How fun is this!" squealed Tessa. "Our very first night together and things are happening!"  
  
"And there are so many reasons that sounded wrong," chuckled Jennie.  
  
Unseen, Holly rolled her eyes. Trouble and his men finished setting up their time stop equipment, and she opened a channel to the Ops Booth.  
  
"Foaly? You watching?"  
  
"No. I'm updating FSE records and processing the Orc blueprints to the Council. Give me a moment."  
  
Holly waited patiently, listening to the sound of a keyboard on the other end. Then a mouse-click.  
  
"Right," said Foaly. "What do you want?"  
  
"Press the button. We have it set."  
  
An aqua colored bubble blossomed over the restaurant a moment later. The cousins watched, excited but not unnerved. They had seen time shields before.  
  
Foaly sighed loudly in the captain's ear. "You're welcome."  
  
"I don't have time for your I-am-so-unappreciated lecture today, Foaly. I have to bring these Mud People down for questioning."  
  
"Why don't you question them there?" the centaur demanded. "I equipped Trouble with standard Retimagers."  
  
"Negative. We don't have standard liability tools if the eight hours go by with no product."  
  
Listening, Artemis visibly flinched at the barely audible words.  
  
Liability.  
  
The cousins were going to be red-flagged.  
  
"Holly, wait a minute," he ordered, spinning her around to face him. "You can't. Don't think this is their fault. It was your magic a month ago that started this."  
  
"What does liability mean?" asked Tessa blithely.  
  
Artemis's face became a mask, leaving the captain to answer.  
  
"Two years ago, Artemis Fowl had endangered the People yet again. He lost technology to a piece of American shit that could reveal us. When the recovery of the item was over, we. . ."  
  
"You wiped me." Artemis's stomach clenched as he thought back to their goodbye. The wipe had left him a cold-hearted bastard once more.  
  
"He gave Mulch Diggums his memories on disk. One year later, the dwarf returned to company. I was sent after him, but it was too late. Fowl had recovered his memories."  
  
"She was going to have to do a block wipe, erasing almost everything this time," Artemis continued painfully.  
  
"I had the equipment," the captain admitted.  
  
"But I forgave her. For taking everything away from me. And she couldn't. It would have shattered her." A bitter smile graced his lips.  
  
"So I agreed to keep it quiet. But the Council found out in the end. Artemis met the team at the door and forbade them to enter. He had saved us enough times that we couldn't bio-bomb the place. It was truce."  
  
"I have made my peace with the People," Artemis agreed. "They will never mind-wipe me again."  
  
"That's horrible!" Jennie cried, staring at Holly. "You mind-wiped him? Can you imagine if it was the other way around? If humans mind-wiped fairies and one had given you your family, your conscience, and was your dearest friend? And then to have that erased? Forever? What if Mulch hadn't been able to come back? You would have let him go?"  
  
The captain turned away, feeling her eyes brim. It hadn't been easy then, and it wasn't easy to relive. Artemis was a dear friend, for all he was a teenage Mud Man.  
  
The Retrieval team had unshielded and were strapping on Moonbelts. Trouble handed the captain some foil sheets. "Wrap them and snap them on. We have to get moving. You just wasted fifteen minutes."  
  
Holly nodded, composing herself and swathing the humans in foil. "This will protect you from radar. We're going to fly you to Tara."  
  
Jennie was strapped to Trouble; Tessa to Grub. Alison, being a slender young woman and not a slender teenager, was carried between two sprites. Artemis found himself flying with Holly.  
  
As they lifted, he spoke softly to her. "I still hardly believe you betrayed me."  
  
"Oh, Artemis." Holly was quiet for a minute. "You hurt people. Including me, and Butler twice in bygone days. The People don't want to be wounded like that. Yet your schemes persist. And now, you will hurt the cousins, wait and see."  
  
"Never."  
  
"Why is it they mean so much to you?"  
  
"As well ask why you mean as much."  
  
Holly faltered in flight. "Don't guilt me. I could never have pressed that button under normal circumstances. But you almost exposed our world. The blood of the entire underground would be staining your hands right about now if we hadn't succeeded in recovering that Cube."  
  
"You turned me back into the person I was!"  
  
"Against all probability. Even that shows your cruel streak."  
  
"Holly. I am sorry for everything I caused you. I would erase it if it hasn't made me who I am today."  
  
She was silent for a while as the Retrieval team arrowed through the air. "I'm sorry too, but you are no different. You drew the girls into this."  
  
"It's not the same! They're a part of me!"  
  
Distantly, they could see the location of Tara. The fairies sped up, making talk between human and elf difficult, but Holly answered anyway. "You spoke the truth when you told them you could never be mind-wiped. Do they know that everything will be gone to them if this errand fails? Doesn't that count as hurting?"  
  
Artemis clenched his fists inside the foil. "No, but you don't have to wipe them if we don't succeed!"  
  
"They will be responsible," Holly said heavily. "Do you have any idea how serious this is?"  
  
"Then you must be marked as responsible too!"  
  
The painful silence suddenly told Artemis the truth.  
  
"I am marked." Holly's voice was quieter now. "I will lose my badge, according to Root. There is no more leash for your trouble. Now do you understand, Mud Boy? You hurt the people around you. Even if you are immune."  
  
*  
  
I cannot believe I just put myself into jeopardy. I hated EC. I cannot replicate it! Must not! BAD DOBBY! GAHHH! 


	10. Chapter Nine: Bloodshed

Here you go everyone! Seven pages. jeez. is it worth it? You tell me because there is something called a REVIEW BUTTON!  
  
Oh yeah and apparently there's going to be a fourth book YAYNESS!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Nine: Bloodshed  
  
The gathering at Tara was uneventful. Holly sedated the cousins and Artemis so they wouldn't be hysteric in the chutes (smart move), and then bumped shuttle B12 off the flight list so they would have their own pod.  
  
The Retrieval boys opted to wait for the next flare, so Holly fit the four Mud People into the craft and squeezed into the pilot seat. Alison's drugged head lolled against her.  
  
After strapping in the quartet, Holly opened the stabilization fins early. The 450 lbs of extra weight in the form of three teenagers and a young woman was definitely going to make this ride interesting.  
  
"The joys of Recon," she muttered, adjusting pod temperature.  
  
*  
  
When Alison, Artemis, Jennifer, and Tessa woke up in the Ops Booth, the first three faces they saw were Root's, Holly's, and Foaly's.  
  
The commander jumped right into it. "Okay, you four. Start talking."  
  
"Julius," the centaur reprimanded. "Show a little respect for the Mud Quartet."  
  
Jennie was still a little sleepy. Waking up to bulging, red commander features wasn't helping her attitude. "Mud Quartet?" she snapped irritably. "I don't think so. We do have names."  
  
Artemis's eyes flickered to Holly, gloom in their dark depths. "I do recall saying something along the same lines, once," he murmured, voice forcefully devoid of emotion.  
  
She grimaced at him. "Mud Boy, don't you dare toy with me right now. I am well on my way to being dropped from Recon and to have my least favorite human playing word games with the past is just going to fuel my temper."  
  
The mastermind arched a superior brow. "I suspect a bluff and have since you told me on the way here," he challenged. "Commander Root has no lease to revoke your badge."  
  
"Don't I?" Root growled. "I believe you are not the one to decide that. Holly has endangered the People once again."  
  
"Sir!" Hazel eyes flashed defiance.  
  
Artemis regretted setting the fight in motion. He tried to make amends with a late apology. " 'I' have endangered the People once again, Commander! Holly is partially answerable, if that."  
  
Root's fingers beat a tattoo on his laser pistol. "How would you have us punish -you-, Artemis? Cut off your contact with the fairies, I suppose. Maybe we could mind wipe you while you're still in reach. Maybe, because you are all such severe liabilities, we could kill you, or throw you in Howler's Peak and wipe your parents. But that would be - what is that quaint phrase Mud People use? - 'inhumane'. So. Our choices: metaphorically cripple those who put us in this danger."  
  
Alison sucked in her breath at the word "cripple".  
  
"Holly's badge will be revoked after three disastrous partnerships with you: the abduction, the Cube, and now this. The cousins wiped if we fail, possibly even in chance of success."  
  
Artemis bristled visibly and opened his mouth to defend the girls and Short. Root held up a hand and went on.  
  
"But you, Fowl? You forbid us to enter your home and protect the Lower Elements from your monstrous nature by erasing your memory. We cannot kill you, although our life debt has been repaid thrice over. And you keep finding ways to endanger us."  
  
"This was an accident!" protested Artemis.  
  
"It's always an accident with you," Root pointed out. "And look where we are."  
  
"I don't understand," said Jennie plaintively. "We didn't hurt anybody, right?"  
  
"Do you want the truth?" The commander's biting tone seemed to slice the air.  
  
The girl was undaunted. "I know the truth. This Kab- Kabie- Kaboy person worked off our files, right? So she didn't even learn how from us. She hacked someone's computer."  
  
All eyes went to Foaly. He tried a smile.  
  
"Is she telling the truth?" Holly demanded, grasping at the straws of hope.  
  
"Unfortunately, yes. Opal Kaboi, according to these recent photographic blueprints, has a dimensional hideout with access to a computer." Foaly waved a wafer-thin plastic sheet.  
  
"But how could she have your files?" Root asked, voice dangerously calm.  
  
Sighing, the centaur confessed, "As soon as I found out she could access them, I changed my data code. It was an entire day too late. Downloading photographic blueprints can take up to 24 hours."  
  
"Excuse me," Alison interrupted, "but - 'photographic blueprints'?"  
  
"Ally took a photography class in art," Jennie informed Artemis in an undertone. "If she doesn't recognize this, it must be all fairy tech."  
  
"Of course it is," replied the mastermind, loudly enough that everybody turned to him. "Foaly never stoops to use human sources unless it's a crisis. Besides, these blueprints can capture all structures in the building."  
  
Foaly took up where the boy left off. "Which includes everything from mold to fairies. They're very exact and can do imagery to a 1/400th scale."  
  
"Big magic, then," breathed Alison.  
  
"Now - this," the centaur bragged, handing her a paper, "is the entire Kaboi Labs hacked and printed in color codes. Basically photographic blueprints capture living molecules. Red equals large life. Pink equals plant matter and small mammals, et cetera. Just looking at it you can tell how much trouble we're in."  
  
Every person in the room crowded behind the young woman to look. Printed, as Foaly had said, in 1/400th scale, the blueprints showed some nests of money spiders and large patches of mold in the east rooms. But crimson covered most of the paper.  
  
Even Root, not much of a scientist, could calculate the amount of enemies in there. "That's about one hundred thousand orcs," he said, going uncharacteristically pale.  
  
"We'll never withstand them!"  
  
"Not just Orcs," Tessa commented, Lord of the Rings expertise kicking in as she stared at the available offside photo. "Those are Uruk Hai."  
  
"Squads of midget elves against an army of demonic, genetically enhanced, giant monsters," Jennie agreed, coming to stand at her shoulder. "It does not look good."  
  
*  
  
(FLASHBACK)  
  
Opal Kaboi examined her army with wide eyes. They did not dare to disobey her anymore, not after she had buzzed the one who was apparently their captain.  
  
"Who was your former commander?" she questioned a tall, muscular Uruk Hai.  
  
"Saruman," he spat through mutilated fangs.  
  
"Who do you serve now?"  
  
Iodine eyes narrowed in hatred. "Kaboi."  
  
She giggled, clapping her hands together, and went onwards through the lab, leaving her dimensional hideout in plain view. A fatal mistake, as it turned out.  
  
But at that moment, Kaboi was too busy pushing through her minions. At last, tired of their slime, she flew, skimming their marked heads. This only further impressed her army, and they crowded around to listen when she found what she was looking for - a bust of Frond that reached above their heads.  
  
Seated on the marble head, she layered her voice with the mesmer:  
  
"I believe that this - Saruman - will not mind a detour of his Uruk Hai. It is only more lands conquered under his name."  
  
Stamp, stamp, stamp went the iron-spiked boots on the lab floor as they raised their weapons in approval.  
  
Opal giggled again. World dominators were so easy to corrupt. "However, owing to my awe of your fighting skill, when I return you to your master I will promote several of you to my personal guard. See if you can win my favor."  
  
"Kaboi!" roared the orcs, completely under the spell. "Kaboi! Kaboi!"  
  
*  
  
"I don't get it, though," Jennie went on, staring at the blueprints. "Where in the books could Opal get this big an army?"  
  
"Does it matter?" Root was red in the face.  
  
"Yes," Tessa told him. "It all depends. We could have mega-evil-white- wizard storming after his army in here. We could have an army of Elves and Men following in the Last Battle. Or, we could quite suddenly have a Balrog running after people. Or we could have Moria cave trolls killing anything in their way, friend or foe."  
  
"We've dealt with trolls," Holly grinned. "Fanged ones."  
  
Alison had a vision of a fanged Moria monster and blanched.  
  
Tessa tapped the paper. "But these are Uruk Hai, Jennie. Wherever the portal is, it's going to be somewhere on the way to Helm's Deep."  
  
Jennie grabbed her. "Tessa! We could find it and go through to the fortress. Elves and the Rohirrim! They would help us!"  
  
The girl hesitated. "Maybe. But they have enough to worry about getting ready for battle. Unless we had a time stop. . ."  
  
Foaly did a double take. "Woah. You want me to set up a time stop in another world? No can do, ladies. I could blow the place up."  
  
Artemis, who had been listening, made the decision. "Our best bet is to open our own portal."  
  
"With what?" said Holly. "I'm not exactly unconscious, and nobody else has any ties."  
  
At the word "ties", Tessa sat up, clutching at something that lay hidden beneath her shirt. She stared at Artemis wide-eyed.  
  
*  
  
(FLASHBACK)  
  
Saruman's brow creased as he stepped onto the black balcony, staring out after his Uruk Hai. Where a river of armored monsters had been only hours before, there was no sign of them. How quickly had they crossed the Edenwaith?  
  
He focused on a patch of shimmering silver midway across the grass. It was in the shape of a window. As he watched, something only visible in the circle brushed against it, and a pikestaff stuck through before being pulled back. What on earth. . .  
  
His attention was drawn from the plains as the trees ringing Orthanc shifted. Leafy figures emerged, glaring with boiling hatred across the wasteland.  
  
The Ents. . .  
  
Surely not.  
  
He was a wizard, dammit!  
  
Ents didn't openly attack a wizard with an army of 100,000. . .  
  
. . . that he had just sent out to attack Helm's Deep. . .  
  
. . . that had mysteriously disappeared. . .  
  
Saruman paled to match his robes as he stared at the advancing tree herders, then cast a final glance at the patch of silver. The pikestaff had vanished.  
  
With a tremulous whimper, the wizard backed away and sat down in his soon- to-be-ripped-apart tower, and began to cry.  
  
*  
  
Tessa, who had been silent for the last fifteen minutes, now drew her vial out of her shirt and walked over to the captain. Holly moved away from her.  
  
"What are you doing?" she demanded loudly.  
  
"I have an idea."  
  
Unscrewing the lid, the girl looked at Artemis, who was the only one watching her with comprehension. "What do I do? For the structure?"  
  
"Trace a window in the air, I believe." He handed her a palm dagger.  
  
Foaly suddenly caught on and started from his chair, moving towards the elf  
  
protectively. Holly's eyes narrowed as she surveyed the weapon. "What's that for?"  
  
"This might hurt a little. . ." Tessa slid the blade out from its notch as she dipped her fingers in the hobbit blood. Before the red could drip from her fingers, she carved a gash in the captain's leg.  
  
The elf gasped with surprise and pain, but quieted as the girl put her hand on the blue sparks that flickered to the wound. "Let me guess," the captain breathed. "Wish?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Bloody fingers traced a circle in the air. Holly offered some advice at the same moment Tessa spoke.  
  
"What we need is more elves-"  
  
"I wish for aid-"  
  
The sudden rush of blue magic nearly blinded them. With a last horrified breath, the captain passed out as she was drained. Where the cousin had drawn in the air, a ring of cerulean fire rotated.  
  
Artemis, Alison, Jennie, Foaly, and Root fell completely silent. Tessa's crimson fingers trickled, a solitary drip falling to the floor. As the scarlet spattered the plasma tiles, the window cleared.  
  
Big blue eyes stared into the girl's, and Frodo Baggins hesitantly stepped into the room.  
  
The blood summons had opened their own portal.  
  
*  
  
o.O ooooh funfunfun! Cliffhanger! ^_^ 


	11. Chapter Ten: A Council Of Elves

Author's note: Hmm. Six pages. After TWO MONTHS! *cringe* I'm sorry. I'm a horrible authoress. I'll do better - my plot is clearing up.  
  
A lot of the private jokes in this one should go over your head - but a few of my readers should recognize Sexy Manbeast lol *big smile*  
  
Geez. Two months of NOO inspiration and I wrote this whole chapter last night.  
  
Let's see how well you review, shall we?  
  
Oh yeah, and thank you all patient readers! I appreciate support ^.^  
  
*  
  
Chapter Ten: A Council Of Elves  
  
Artemis hesitantly poured himself a glass of wine as Glorfindel and Celeborn watched him from across the table. He took a tiny sip and felt his head beginning to clear. "Was that display necessary?" he demanded of the two elves icily.  
  
Their faces remained impassive. "We've been through this, young human. The only thing we saw was the former Ringbearer passing through a circular opening in the air. What were we supposed to do? Continue on our journey to the Havens without taking notice?"  
  
"That's all very well and good," snapped Root from Artemis's right, "but did you really have to shoot at one of our number?"  
  
"She was strangling me," said Frodo plaintively, casting a look to the right.  
  
Meeting his gaze, Tessa sniffled from where she sat in the corner, nursing an arrow wound in the muscle of her left arm. Jennie and Alison were next to her, rinsing the injury with cold water. "I'm sorry, Frodo," the younger teen whimpered. "I was just happy to see you."  
  
"I bet," grinned Jennie, exchanging a knowing look with her sister.  
  
Root was still mad. "Nevertheless! That is not courtesy!"  
  
Celeborn spared him an emotionless glance. "Who are you to decide what is courtesy and what is common sense among elf kin?"  
  
"I am an elfin commander, you tall excuse for a swear toad dropping!"  
  
"As soon as we realized some of your number were elves we ceased fire!" Celeborn retorted. "If you had the good grace to be more like us than dwarves your companion would not have been wounded!"  
  
"How are we supposed to do that? Breed with Mud Men?" Root snapped, out of patience with the constant change of subject. "We come short! That's all there is to it!"  
  
"Then if your height does not correspond to your age, start acting like it," interrupted Glorfindel smoothly. "We have apologized, fed and watered you and tended your wounded. You might start displaying the courtesy that you continuously rave about."  
  
Root purpled and fell silent.  
  
As the reader might have gathered, the Elves aboard the ship traveling to the Grey Havens had become alarmed when Frodo vanished through the portal. Firing at the girl who was apparently smothering him, they had followed through and continued to give battle until they realized that Holly and Root were elves, albeit short ones.  
  
Upon this discovery, they had formed a kind of wary alliance, and taken them all back to the ship for discussion until Gandalf, Galadriel and Elrond had the time to see them.  
  
Celeborn sat a little straighter and gazed at Root with strong curiosity. "While we are waiting for the Lady of the Golden Wood and Mithrandir... explain to us how it came about, that our kin are now so lacking in stature."  
  
Root shrugged, bad-tempered. "I think it had something to do with crossbreeding," he mused. "I'm not entirely sure. I believe that Greenleaf, or Legolas in the gnomish tongue, began an elf/dwarf era when he befriended Gim... Gimlet? Gimly? Something like that. And Frond was one of their descendants. But that was long after the line of Numenor was forgotten."  
  
Foaly, silent until that moment, opened his mouth to say something, but then fell quiet abruptly as Artemis turned to look at him.  
  
((A/N: oooo. Lol))  
  
Celeborn smiled grimly. "And why are you here now?"  
  
"We need help," said a soft voice from Artemis's left. Holly was recovering and pushed herself upright in her chair to reach for a piece of goat's cheese.  
  
Both elves across the table raised an eyebrow questioningly.  
  
The mastermind was preparing to explain when Jennie, coming over from where she had been sitting with her cousin, shushed him. "As soon as Gandalf comes, he can explain everything," she said firmly.  
  
"You will explain now," said a vioce behind her, equally firm.  
  
Gandalf stood in the doorway. Everyone whirled to look at him, only then noticing his presence and that of the two elves behind him - Elrond and Galadriel.  
  
Gandalf ignored the cousins and spoke directly to the two Elves across the table. "How dare you treat these guests without the most courtesy you can offer. Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins both owe them their lives. Yes, Celeborn," he added as the Lord of the Wood began to speak, "Some of these are the ones spoken of."  
  
Glorfindel half-rose. "My liege and most honored of the Istari," he started.  
  
The white wizard raised a hand to still him, and a star shot through with red flashed on his finger. There was a sudden quiet, and Holly and Root both drew an amazed breath.  
  
"Varya?" whispered the captain in tones of unbounded awe. Things were moving too quickly for her. "No, it cannot be - the Three perished before the breaking of the Fifth Age- how is this possible?"  
  
"This is the Fourth Age, daughter of the forest," said Gandalf gravely. "And if you tell your tale from the beginning, then things will become clear."  
  
Holly hesitated. "All of it?"  
  
Mithrandir nodded.  
  
"But it's so late - there isn't time!" she protested feebly.  
  
Celeborn's lips twitched. "Here it is not even midday. Begin."  
  
She paused a moment longer before, with a deep breath, she found the nerve to begin to unfold the epic to Celeborn and Glorfindel.  
  
To Alison the words of her tale were wholly new; she listened rapt as Holly spoke of the division between Elves and Men, and the labyrinth of tunnels miles below the surface, and of the Ritual, and the Book written by Eru and his favored, Frond himself, or so it was said.  
  
Then the female Recon officer glanced across the table at the mastermind, remembering, making sure she had everything right and asking him silently to help her tell the story that was as much his as her own.  
  
They began together, talking of the abduction, as she had gone to restore her power; and the time-stop and the fight for the gold.  
  
A year later came the goblin uprising, and the trouble with Cudgeon and Kaboi. Artemis had saved them all in return for the life of his father; and then, how fairy technology had been lost, and the final battle ending in the final price - a mind wipe.  
  
Only Artemis saw the single glittering drop fall from the edge of the Captain's eye as she began to speak alone, as she told how his memory had been restored, and he had become a friend of the People once more.  
  
The room was silent and much dimmer than it had been. The tale had taken much time, but it was not over yet.  
  
Artemis spoke up briefly again to tell of how he had yearned to flee the confinement of his family, and left for a new country, accompanied by Holly to make sure he stayed out of trouble. Then Jennie began to explain how they had met, and become friends instead of dire enemies, and how they had landed themselves in Middle Earth, and the close race to get home.  
  
Tessa finished by speaking of their trip to Ireland, and the encounter of the Elves once again, and how Kaboi had used the knowledge of their mishap to summon herself an Uruk Hai army, and how they needed help to fight the huge force.  
  
As she finished, Celeborn was already shaking his head.  
  
"A marvelous tale, one I at least shall remember for ages hence, but-"  
  
Glorfindel cut in as his lord paused, trying to figure out how to word their refusal.  
  
"Humans... we sail this way to find peace. We do not want to battle anymore. You will have to find help elsewhere."  
  
"We are your -future-," said Tessa, her eyes brimming. "You have to join with us! We're in trouble!"  
  
"That seems to be your own fault," said Glorfindel calmly. Foaly grimaced.  
  
But Jennie was looking at Gandalf, and past Gandalf to where the Lady of the Golden Wood and the Lord of the Last Homely House were gazing at each other, clearly troubled. They stepped nearer one another and spoke in low voices, conferring and gazing down at their slim fingers, where a blue and a white star shone faintly.  
  
Ignoring their conferral, the White Wizard began to speak.  
  
"Here I think I can add a little to your tale, child of the Eldest," he said, addressing Holly. "You said the Three perished before the breaking of the Fifth Age. Perished... or vanished?"  
  
She said nothing.  
  
"The Three's power faded after the bearers no longer needed it," the wizard continued. "But they will always pass on to those who are in trouble. This is a legend to your people, I believe?" he added, slipping Varya from his finger. "Help you need, and help you shall have."  
  
He held out the ring. Unbelieving, the captain's fingers closed around it, and the stone in it flashed a brilliant ruby that left them all blinking.  
  
"Now, see here," protested Root, "she surely isn't the most adept to be a Bearer- We know the legends- our Council-"  
  
"The Rings," said Frodo suddenly, "always want to get back to their true Masters, despite ownership by way of other people." He winced and one hand went to his breast.  
  
Tessa's lip trembled and Jennie, looking at her with a smirk, could tell she yearned to glomp him and kiss his nose and tell him everything was ok.  
  
"You are such a demento," she muttered out of the corner of her mouth.  
  
Tessa, forgetting her true love momentarily, gave a squeal of laughter and rolled about on the floor, snorting and chuckling alternately.  
  
Artemis concluded it was probably some kind of private joke.  
  
((A/N: Oh God... if only he knew... *sniggers* *aside to readers: when we were very very little ;) we wanted to have a Lego War, but we'd taken all the whole lego men and nobody wanted to give up their warriors for the attackers, so we used the top halves in the Bits and Pieces pile - all of whom had scrawled on marker smiles that were quite disturbing. It was a very bizarre war and remembering it years later still makes us crack up because it was so stupid. The top-half evil army was named the Dementos (*))  
  
"Well you're a - a sexy manbeast," she sputtered through her giggles. "And you smell like cat piss. So nyah."  
  
The other cracked up.  
  
"At least I don't have a sa-"  
  
"Jennie!" squealed Tessa. "FRODO is in this room! Shuttup!" She slide- tackled her cousin despite her injury and clamped down both hands on Jennie's mouth as she shook with mirth.  
  
Frodo blinked. The elves disregarded this exchange and continued to argue.  
  
"We have always helped our own in time of need-"  
  
"Remember the Last Alliance-"  
  
"But we have suffered so much, and the reign of Sauron has only recently ended, at none too low a price!"  
  
"You can't mean to say that we are giving up peace at long last to fight again," protested Celeborn, looking at his wed.  
  
In answer Galadriel held out Nenya. It glimmered dully in the half-light, but as Root stood up to see it better (being hardly taller than a hobbit), it blazed with white fire. His hand reached out to touch it, and Foaly whinnied with laughter at the awing look on his face.  
  
"Yes," said Galadriel calmly. "We are going to fight again."  
  
"Where are we going to get that kind of help?" Celeborn demanded.  
  
"We do have a shipload of fine fighters, from Imladris and Lothelorien and even the Shire," Gandalf informed him, overly patient.  
  
Root and Holly were utterly silent as Galadriel gestured to them. "And we have two new Bearers of the Three Rings for the Elven Kings-"  
  
"-Under the sky," finished Elrond, a touch wistful as he gazed at his own Ring. It had not yet passed on to a new owner, and was hard to let go of. "Are we decided then? We are going to give aid?"  
  
"What of the last of the Three?" Tessa and Jennie asked eagerly, in perfect unison as they watched Elrond.  
  
He glared and pocketed it. "We will worry about that later, when we find one of Elf kin whom it is destined for. At the dinner tonight I shall begin to call our forces to arms," he went on, turning to Galadriel.  
  
Under cover of the conversation that followed, Foaly looked again at Artemis, and his face closed as though a door had shut behind it.  
  
*  
  
Ooooo. Big secret about Artemis? Dun dun dun dun. I am getting way good at these cliffhangers. :-D  
  
And also - the Rings have passed to new owners? All but one...  
  
Artemis: *rolls eyes* Every reader probably knows where this is going... *crawls under couch*  
  
Me: shhh! You are such a spoilsport! SHHH! 


	12. Chapter Eleven: In Which Nothing Gets Ac...

My most sincere apologies about taking so long to get this chapter out... my muses are sugerhigh and decided to be irresponsible. Their fault. Not mine.  
  
Chapter Eleven: In Which Nothing Gets Accomplished  
  
Artemis couldn't remember when he'd last been this annoyed. He was sitting in the back of a very full council room listening to the cousins talk animatedly to each other about which of the elves was the cutest.  
  
"I think Glorfindel's kind of cute," Jennie admitted.  
  
"Ewww! Jennie! I like the one called Elrohir or something."  
  
"He's so old..."  
  
"Legolas is 2932 years old... I think... and that's had no effect on his hotness."  
  
"Ah, whatever."  
  
"HA! I'm right!"  
  
"Tessa, you still have the Lion King soundtrack. Do you really expect me to follow your grotesque tastes?"  
  
"This coming from someone who likes Avril Lavigne?"  
  
"At least she's modern!"  
  
"The Lion King is modern!"  
  
"For preschool maybe!"  
  
"It's not like I ever listen to it!"  
  
"You do too! You put on 'Circle of Life' last Saturday morning!"  
  
"Hey. That is a GOOD song."  
  
"I guess you're right. Now what was that about Avril?" Jennie's eyes got their Death Glare glaze and Tessa wisely scooted her chair away, muttering  
  
"She's gay."  
  
"LEGOLAS is gay!"  
  
A couple of elves were starting to look around at them. Artemis sunk lower in his chair and tried to interest himself in the Ops Booth's gadgetry, but it was hard as the cousins only got louder.  
  
"Just because it said in the book that Gimli followed him across the sea for like, some great love or whatever-"  
  
"Exactly! I mean, how corny is that?"  
  
"You are such a hypocrite." Tessa sat up straight, eyes blazing. "Last month when we went to Middle Earth, one look at Legolas and you were as slushy as the rest of us."  
  
Artemis winced as another row of seated elves turned around in their chairs to listen.  
  
"All the gay people are hot," Jennie said, unconvinced. "That doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he got it on with a hairy dwarf dude-"  
  
"Like whatever! You were totally hitting on him!"  
  
"Maybe he's bi."  
  
((A/N: I have a strong suspicion that millions of Legolas-fanatic readers are going to skin me alive for suggesting Legolas is bisexual... lol))  
  
"Bi?" Alison had joined the conversation. "If somebody was THAT gorgeous AND bi, he wouldn't be alive."  
  
"You forget that Middle Earth was in an era when they still had swords! I mean come on! It's not like he was gonna get mugged or raped in Mirkwood. Tolkien's themes are totally True Love style." Jennie warmed to her subject, not caring that half the assembly was listening to her. "And that's another thing, Ally - who are YOU to lecture ME on guys? You liked ARAGORN!"  
  
Tessa intervened quietly. "My mom thinks Aragorn's hot too. I keep telling her it's FRODO you wanna watch for."  
  
There was a muffled eep from the front row as the Ringbearer suddenly became aware of the discussion.  
  
"Hahahahahahaaa!" Jennie stuck a finger under Alison's nose. "You have the same taste as Auntie Kris!"  
  
"And YOU think a bisexual elf is hot!"  
  
"People! Fro-do! FRODO is hot!"  
  
"He's an vulnerable, sweaty, angsty, helpless hobbit who is so totally NOT hot!"  
  
Tessa's eyes went to slits. "Excuse me? Excuse... me? Did you just say what I think you said?"  
  
Foaly, who had been explaining to the Middle-Earth elves the use of a gun, gave up any pretense of paying attention to his own lecture and just stared as Tessa dive-bombed Jennie. There was a muffled scream, that sounded oddly like "You obsessive bit-" before Tessa sat on Jennie's head, got punched, screamed and came down hard on Alison.  
  
Flailing arms, ripping windbreakers and flying socks were visible in the melee of tussling cousins. After a moment, the dust cleared to show Jennie trying to pin down both other girls at once.  
  
"SAY IT! LEGOLAS'S BI!"  
  
"IS NOT!"  
  
"AND FRODO'S HIDEOUS!" Jennie screamed with the vindictiveness of someone whose head has just been sat on.  
  
"IS NOT!" Tessa screamed back.  
  
"IS TOO!"  
  
"IS NOT!"  
  
"IS TOO AND YOU KNOW IT!"  
  
"IS TOTALLY NOT AND DON'T SAY HE IS!"  
  
"Damn..." Jennie tried to figure out a way around that one and scowled. "Well, he isn't cute."  
  
"Cute? Who said anything about cute?" Tessa snarled, headbutting her cousin. The positions reversed and Tessa came up on top. "He's HOT!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"IS TOO!"  
  
"IS NOT!"  
  
"IS T-"  
  
"Um," Gandalf intervened softly. Jennie socked Tessa in the mouth and the argument escalated into a fist fight.  
  
"IS - NOT!"  
  
"IS - TOO!"  
  
"I really think that-" Gandalf began.  
  
The younger girl made a Time Out sign and looked over at Frodo. "Hey doll. Are you hot or not?"  
  
"Uhm," said Frodo, aware of Root's eyes boring into the back of his head.  
  
Tessa melted.  
  
"He said uhm! He said uhm to meee," she sighed dreamily.  
  
Jennie rolled her eyes and heaved a huge melodramatic sigh. "You are sooo pitiful."  
  
"He said UHM..." Tessa's eyes were starry.  
  
"I didn't think that was part of Middle-Earth vocabulary."  
  
"I bet it is."  
  
"I bet it isn't."  
  
"Is."  
  
"Isn't."  
  
"Is! They have conjunctions in Middle Earth!"  
  
"Uhm isn't a conjunction!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"IS TOO!"  
  
"IS NOT!"  
  
Tessa swung her fist around again, eyes flaming. "IS-"  
  
And just like that, both cousins were frozen.  
  
Gandalf sighed, smiled a very self-satisfied smile, and put his staff down.  
  
"Enhe," Tessa said thickly. Which probably translated to "You frikkin bastard! I was about to get in a good swing, like my first, and you just like FREEZE me? You're not allowed to FREEZE me. Why the frick did you just FREEZE me? You shouldn't be allowed to FREEZE people. Especially me. I mean, I saved Frodo's life! Okay!? Without me and my hobbit blood obsession, you wouldn't BE here, and you FROZE me. Where do you get off, freezing me like that?"  
  
"Continue," Gandalf said to Foaly calmly.  
  
The centaur's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and laid the platinum cuff pistol aside and picked up another example of LEP weaponry. "This is a Neutrino. The same rule applies to this... never point the hole end at your head and pull the shiny bit. Unless you want to tour the Halls of Mandos or whatever you lot believe in. Ok? Er, I mean, do you understand?"  
  
There was a strangled sound from Tessa as she discovered that Jennie had been frozen with her middle finger stuck up in the air. Alison cracked up.  
  
Gandalf leaned over to the two frozen girls and murmured, "Are you going to behave now?"  
  
The cousins looked at each other. The look meant, "Doesn't he sound like our mothers?"  
  
White flickered in the air as the staff ended the spell. Stiffly, they took their seats, casting death glares at each other.  
  
"Avril Lavigne is totally gay," Tessa muttered softly as Foaly continued talking about the Neutrino.  
  
"Frodo looks like a U-haul ran over him."  
  
"She sings like a dying penguin."  
  
"And that hair? Where did he get THAT perm?"  
  
"What kind of person are you, that you like scantily-clad female singers?" Tessa wanted to know, under her breath.  
  
"Maybe she's bi," Alison whispered.  
  
Five minutes later, even Artemis was cracking up at the sight of Jennie, frozen by Gandalf mid-leap towards her sister.  
  
Tessa hummed to herself and gazed innocently up at Foaly, paying attention to his every word with completely guiltless eyes. SHE would never get her cousin frozen. Oh no. Of course not.  
  
A long slim finger hesitated over a keypad before typing in the elvish symbols for a confirmation code. Immediately a digital map of Haven was called into being. Population excluded. Fortunately for our heroes.  
  
Red lines wavered at the main entrances. Green marked the secret ones, and blue outlined the ones most guarded.  
  
The finger tapped the darkest blue one. It flickered into a close-up, showing blue highlights all around it.  
  
Eyebrows snapped together. The highest-gaurded were the ones closest to Kaboi Laboratories.  
  
How did they...  
  
Opal rapped on the screen. "Explanation."  
  
DENIED, said the Auto-Security Guard.  
  
"Confirmed alpha alpha two eight."  
  
Words began filling up the screen. Opal blinked.  
  
INFORMATION ILLEGALLY RECORDED THAT ESCAPED PRISONOR OPAL KABOI TAKEN UP RESIDENCE AT LABS WITH MUTILATED SUMMONS ARMY THROUGH USE OF OUTLAWED PORTAL...  
  
"Oh, shit," she breathed. Illegally? What was this shit?  
  
Spinning from her chair, she beckoned a captain of her Orcs over. He growled. "We have to wait longer?"  
  
"No, Hamerkakh," she said softly. "We move out tonight." 


End file.
